Stocking up for the Zombie Apocalypse: Another wall of text you won't read

In keeping with Zombie Awareness Month I am releasing one of my barely-read advice columns on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Last time I talked about the various types of zombies, how they are created, and the I Smell Sheep lab reports on zombies. This time I will be advising you on what items to stock up on and how to prepare. I am taking some of my information from the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. For those of you truly concerned about an uprising, I highly suggest that you get this book because I found it most helpful. Without further stalling I present:

Items to stock up on for the Zombie Apocalypse

Consumables:
It goes without saying that having a ready supply of food and water is necessary if you're going to survive. You can't count on the local water supplied to keep going, and you certainly won't be taking your canvas bags to the supermarket. First, let's talk about water. If you live near a river or creek, you're pretty much set. The only problem is water filtration, because despite what bottled water commercials would have you believe that sparkling clear stream has got plenty of germs floating in it. Cholera is a nasty thing. I recommend getting a charcoal hand-pump filter from your local camping store, along with extra filters. The charcoal filter is the finest in water filtration human technology has developed and is incredibly reliable. I got plenty of good clean water in New Mexico using a charcoal filter. It also tastes better than iodine purification tablets.

When it comes to food, I recommend having a supply of fresh food. Eating this first will let your canned supplies last longer and it tastes better. The rest of your food supplies, I recommend canned or otherwise preserved foods. If you look at the expiration dates on canned foods they can remain good up to two or three years into the future, so building up a supply that will last is always a good thing. However, do check your supplies frequently and use items with close expiration dates. While you can eat some foods past the date (as long as it smells and looks okay) food poisoning during a zombie apocalypse can be a deadly inconvenience. If it looks like the apocalypse will be permanent and civilization will not recover, you're going to have to find a renewable food supply. In the meantime, and for smaller-scale outbreaks, your canned supplies will keep you alive for the time being.

Medicine:
Something people often forget to stock up on is common medicines. Now obviously I'm not talking about prescription drugs like antibiotics, antidepressants, and so on. (However if you are dependent on these medications I highly recommend that you have a means to get these medications should the supply be cut off.) When it comes to medicine I suggest that you stock up on over-the-counter medicines. Simple things like painkillers, antacids, antihistamines, and antibiotics such as hydrogen peroxide. These basic medicines can make life easier and can frequently save lives in an apocalypse. Furthermore they can be useful for trading purposes with other survivors. You would not believe what someone with a killer cold will trade for Dayquil in the right circumstances.

Currency:
Now the temptation is to save up money and various valuables. Hoarding valuables like gold, silver and gemstones. Quite simply these are not good things to stock up on. If...or more accurately when the fall comes gold and silver aren't going to be worth a thing. Instead there are plenty of other things I would recommend you stock up on for trading purposes, along with in some cases their benefits.

As I mentioned earlier, over the counter medicines would be useful to stock up on. Aside from their beneficial purposes, medicines can also be useful for trading purposes. I also recommend you stock up on toilet paper, and for multiple reasons. First of all toilet paper can't go bad. Keep it in a dry place and it will stay good for god knows how long. Second, toilet paper is one of mankind's greatest inventions. Believe me, you don't know how much you love it until you don't have it. And finally, if you have a plentiful supply of toilet paper you can trade with other survivors, who I assure you will be very, very grateful.

Another item you can stock up on is cigarettes. Long the official currency of prisons everywhere, cigarettes have been a valuable commodity. Again, as long as you keep them dry they can last for long time. In dealing with other survivors, cigarettes are far more useful as currency than gold, silver and paper currency ever will be.

Arms and Ammunition:
A lot of what I'm going to say is inspired by the Zombie Survival Guide, but it's still good advice. (Always cite your sources.) As the Guide tells us, ALWAYS follow the various laws regarding the sale, use, and ownership of weapons in your country, state, and county. Do not, under any circumstances, obtain an illegal weapon.

The Guide strongly recommends using simple weapons because "blades don't need reloading". As a trained fencer, I do agree that melee weapons have their advantages. Now, while that fancy katana from the Renaissance faire looks good, it's probably a show piece that is not useful for fighting zombies. For a reasonable to moderately expensive price you can easily purchase combat-ready weapons from professional smiths at the same faires. However, always ask and make sure these weapons are combat-ready. Granted, such weapons take a great amount of practice to learn. Even after three years I'm barely trained with a sabre. As the Guide suggests simple tools, like machetes or crowbars, which are useful during the apocalypse can also be utilized as weapons. As always, practice, practice, practice. Your life will literally depend upon it.

When it comes to firearms, as always follow the local laws and regulations. I also ask that you remember the basic rules of firearm ownership

1. Always assume a gun is loaded, especially when someone says it isn't.
   
2. Always keep your gun locked in a secure place, and keep the ammunition locked in a separate place out of the reach of children.
   
3. Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction.
4. Know your target, and what's behind it.
5. Always keep your finger off the trigger until you're ready to fire.
   

Please please always follow these rules of responsible firearm ownership. Also, make sure to practice with your firearms. It's no use if you can't hit the broad side of a barn. Keep your firearm in working order, clean it, and keep a ready supply of ammunition ready. And, as always, follow the rules of firearm ownership.

Anyway, hopefully you have found my information on supplies to stock up on useful for your zombie shelters. I hope you found it interesting and useful to know.

BAK

Adventurer's Rule #4: Always be courteous to other people.

[Photos by Jeni Darling you can find more of her fabulous work here: Jeni's Website ]

The Limousines- Internet Killed the Video Star

A fun video from a Nor Cal band, The Limousines. To remind us all that Zombie Awareness should be spread to the young and old. ;)

Fav line: "I'm a horrible dancer I ain't gonna lie, but I'll be damned if that mean that I ain't gonna try." Me in a nut shell!

Post Zombie Apocalypse Rhymes for Children

Children tend to adapt well to any situation. Even a Zombie apocalypse. I started thinking how this would change something as simple as nursery rhymes. I came up with two new versions.





The ever popular Children's Prayer would change to:


Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray tonight my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake

I pray my head, my friends do take

The school yard jump rope song would now be:

One, Two - the dead are coming for you

Three, Four - they’re at the door

Five, Six – now you’re sick

Seven, Eight – it’s to late

Nine, Ten – the dead will win

Can you think of any more?

SS

picture: http://www.redbubble.com/explore/zombie

Zombie Preparedness: The Undead are coming, are YOU prepared?

Hello dear readers and welcome. As you know, May is Zombie Awareness Month, and we writers (and I, the mighty writer/editor) here at I Smell Sheep seek to keep you safe. After all, without our devoted readers we'd be out of a job. And that would be a terrible thing indeed. So today I've been asked to share some of my bountiful knowledge of the zombie menace, and I'm happy to oblige. Without further ado I shall begin my course in Zombie Preparedness.

Know Thy Enemy: On the Many Types of Zombies
Now when a zombie outbreak occurs, it's very important to know which type of zombies you're fighting. Obviously, the methods utilized to defeat the zombies will be varied. Thus it is important to be able to identify what type of zombies you're fighting before you create a plan of action.

Shamblers: These are what we call "classic" zombies that you may have seen in George Romero's Night of the Living Dead. These zombies slowly shuffle from one place to another, occasionally moaning or shouting for brains. Because of their shambling gait they have been classified as shamblers by professional zombie hunters. Historical records of this type of zombie go as far back as ancient Egypt and are perhaps mankind's oldest experience with the living dead. Shamblers are individually, rather weak. They possess little to no intelligence and are easily outwitted. However, they become extremely strong and extremely single-minded. Accounts tell of a single shambler mercilessly pounding at a door for hours to attack survivors inside. Fortunately, human ingenuity usually triumphs over these brutes. Depending on the vector of the zombie plague (more on that later) it is possible for entire hordes of shamblers to appear almost overnight. It is in a horde that shamblers are at their strongest, combining their brute strength and tireless determination with seemingly unstoppable numbers. When fighting shamblers it is best to minimize their advantages. Channel them into narrow areas that eliminate their advantage of numbers and pick them off one by one. Ultimately the defeat of a shambler outbreak depends on the average citizen being aware of the dangers and preparing for such an event. Human cooperation and ingenuity has defeated many such outbreaks in the past.

Runners: This type of zombie is a more recent development and is named for its distinctive abilities. Upon seeing human prey a runner will run at full or even supernatural speed at the human. For experienced veterans used to fighting the much slower shamblers, runners came as a nasty, and very fast surprise. The record of runner zombies is rather short, with them appearing largely in the last twenty years. Zombie researchers are continuing to examine how runners came about and are conducting exhaustive tests against them. In addition to their great speed, runners share the unending persistence of their shambler cousins and in some cases their unusual strength. Whether they are brighter than shamblers remains to be determined. Even a single runner can pose a great threat to experienced zombie hunters, unable to cope with their increased speed. For the average citizen, it is best to avoid being found by runners at all. Their tendency to run full-tilt at human prey can be used for some clever traps, but it's best if you avoid fighting them at all. In case of runner outbreak, head to a personal or designated zombie shelter and remain there until the all-clear from authorities.

Unusual/Mutants: Sometimes the zombie outbreak unleashes unusual mutated forms of zombies that show little to no resemblance to the human infected. From towering monstrosities to bloated abominations, these zombies can take a variety of shapes and abilities. Some become extremely strong, capable of lifting a city bus and throwing it at zombie defense troopers. Some mutants grow extremely long claws that tear through zombie and human alike in a scythe of destruction. And some maintain their human, or gain a superhuman intelligence. Ultimately there is no telling with these various freaks. The trained zombie hunters are often at a loss with a new type of mutation, forget the average citizen. As a normal citizen it is advised you stay low and avoid conflict with these zombies at all costs. If you spot a new mutation of zombie notify authorities immediately so we can attempt to gather information on defeating this new and challenging threat. If the citizenry is called upon to fight these creatures, the authorities will make sure to provide information booklets about all known mutations and their weaknesses to give you every opportunity to succeed. However, if the authorities do not ask for your help, please REMAIN IN YOUR SHELTERS.

The Vectors of Infection: How is a zombie made?
Humanity has fought zombie outbreaks since ancient times, and you would think we would have how a zombie is made figured out by now. Unfortunately, the ways of making a zombie are many indeed and pose a great and continuing threat to humanity. Fortunately we have a list of the various ways and some suggestions on how to best defend yourself.

The Virus: Viral infection is by far becoming the most common explanation of zombie outbreaks in recent times. Whether this is because of expanding fears of viruses such as HIV/AIDS, the increase of mankind's medical knowledge, or just an increase in the spread of communicable diseases remains unknown. However, the origins of zombie viruses has been traced to three main sources:

1. Mutated Influenza: An extremely popular idea considering recent scares such as Bird and Swine Flu. The possibility of a flu pandemic as bad as the Spanish Flu of 1918 has become even more probable with modern global transportation. It is possible the influenza virus may become a potent and easily-spread zombie infection. Normal precautions against the flu apply.
2. Genetically Engineered: For whatever reason in recent decades government organizations and private corporations have become interested in the development of a zombie virus. Generally it is the aim to create a potent bioweapon for use against enemies. Ultimately these viruses will get out and someone has to clean the mess up. Really they need to stop funding these projects.
3. Naturally Occurring Parasite, Bacteria, Virus: There has been research into a variety of pathogens that naturally cause zombification of the host. These pathogens are, fortunately, extremely rare and are usually found in the tropic and sub-tropic regions of the world where such pathogens flourish.

Ultimately when it comes to a disease-based spread of zombie infection, the best thing you can do is prepare yourself ahead of time. Make sure you get all your vaccination. Don't use anti-bacterial soap. Give your immune system as many challenges ahead of time so they become little Green Berets that beat the living daylights out of anything that comes into your body. Honestly, once the infection hits, there's not much else you can do.

The Supernatural: Sometimes modern science fails in explaining why a zombie outbreak occurs. Ultimately it's something of a supernatural or unusual origin. Defense against these methods is slim, but occasionally destroying the source can solve the outbreak.

1. Voodoo or Dark Magic: Sometimes people learn magic and they get corrupted by power. Sometimes bad people just get drawn into magic. Ultimately, they decide raising the dead is a great idea. Maybe they want power, maybe they want revenge, maybe they're crazy. Point is, an evil magic user is at the center here. The best way of defeating such an outbreak is to kill the magic-user responsible. I recommend iron weapons for the magic-dampening abilities.
2. Solar Flares: Research by the I Smell Sheep laboratories suggest that solar flares may be connected with the growing zombie menace. This explanation is hazy at best and not well-explored. Ongoing research into the solar phenomenon may reveal further answers.
3. Trouble in the Afterlife: An outbreak of this type has not been seen since the mid-late 20th century, however it is still possible. Basically during this type of outbreak, the afterlife has become full for whatever reason. As a result, the souls of the deceased return to their bodies and rise from their graves to feed on the living. Defeating this outbreak is hard, if not difficult. Fortunately, due to a restructuring of the afterlife experts believe there will be plenty of space for the souls of the departed in the future.

The Gray Matter: What do zombies want in the world?
Thanks to our intrepid researcher, Richard, we at I Smell Sheep have made great progress in understanding the zombie psyche. Through strenuous research Richard has produced amazing results which we will discuss below.

Now, the chart on the left shows the frequency of specific things that humans and zombies think about. The higher the bar, the more frequently they think about it. Humans are represented in red and zombies are represented in green. As you can see, the first thing we examined was hunger. Clearly zombies think about hunger much more frequently than humans. The second thing we examined was sex. Humans clearly think about sex a lot, I mean, pretty obvious. However, zombies do not think about sex at all. Clearly the most human of emotions, Lust, has been removed from zombies. (Are you taking notes, Katie?) The next thing we noticed is that humans and zombies think about pie with about the same frequency. This further strengthens my Grand Unifying Pie Theory: Everyone really wants pie. The world would be a better place if we all had pie. Now, you will notice the last thing we studied was the frequency that humans and zombies think about Justin Bieber. And so while humans think about him a lot, zombies think about him a little bit. Not as much, but a little bit. Which leads the question, where did you get our test subjects, Richard? Clearly no accounting for taste.

Finally, you will see our second graph measures hunger over time. The red curve represents human hunger which increases as it approaches mealtime. As a human eats, their hunger is sated and it goes back down to not-hungry levels. In the case of zombies, however, they seem to constantly be at intense hunger levels. These levels also increase around mealtime, but they never go below an above-average hunger. So, please keep in mind: A ZOMBIE IS ALWAYS HUNGRY. There is no negotiation, for their hunger will consume us all.

Hopefully this has been an informative look into the zombie threat and how you, the average citizen can prepare yourself. If Katie lets me, we should have more information coming out this month on zombie preparedness. In the meantime I advise you take a look at the informative Zombie Survival Guide, which will give you more advice on what to actually do during an outbreak.

Adventurer's Rule #2: Be prepared for anything.

BAK