Podcast Series: The True History of Dracula's Winkee

I Smell Sheep and Greg Hall (The Funky Werepig) have been longtime besties. So when Greg asked me (Sharon) to do some voice acting on his podcast series, I said no way! But then he said he would buy me a mocha latte, and I flew up to PA to play Sister Agnes—the MoFo Superior in Dracula's Winkee!

Here is the story behind the story and check out the first three episodes already out. 

(TW for podcast: naughty language and winkee/hooha references)

The True History of Dracula's Winkee
written by Greg Hall
 

New episode every Sunday.

Dracula's Winkee Ep 1- The Undead Have No Retirement Plan
Dracula's Winkee Ep 2- All Paranormal & No Romance Makes Drac a Dull Boy
Dracula's Winkee Ep 3- Tonight's Menu- Green Tea, Sticky Buns, & Death!

YouTube Podcast
Apple Podcast

Long ago, in the 2000’s, I was a guest on a ‘paranormal romance’ radio show. The host and I debated the cravings of vampire erotica vs. vampires crave us as food. She said, “You aren’t a woman. You wouldn’t understand every woman fantasizes about having sex with a vampire!”

Instead of arguing Edward was closer to a Disney unicorn than to the horrifying monsters of legend, I simply replied, “Well, you aren’t a man. And it’s a fact men need blood flow to make their peepis happy. Blood flow is something vampires don’t have. They’re dead. Their hearts don’t beat. Add in that they’re room temperature, and your fantasy is to have sex with a cold, flaccid winkee.”

That one phrase caught on. Listeners repeated it. It was said on other shows. Told to me by fans. Didn’t realize it in the moment, but it was damn funny. And thus Dracula’s Winkee was born.
Many people remember the original run of Dracula’s Winkee as a serial on the popular horror website Choate Road. Others read Dracula’s Winkee in magazines, Funbooks, and Michael West’s brilliant anthology Vampires Don’t Sparkle. It became my most demanded live reading at conventions, spun into comedy skits, and actually made it as a series all the way to the top dogs at Adult Swim before falling short. The journey of Dracula’s Winkee has been a glorious one.

And it is all a lie. Because the truth couldn’t be told. Until now.

Dracula's Winkee
written by Greg Hall
In the summer of 2023, two brothers—Samuel and Ignatius Derriere-- were vacationing in Transylvania. One day, they spied an armadillo, a creature not indigenous to Europe. I know. How many balls they be trippin’?

They followed the animal as it scurried into a hidden cave. And there in clay jars, the brothers found some of the oldest recordings ever known. On the wax cylinders and 8-tracks, the voices spoke of lost love, ruthless enemies, and a Prince of Darkness who once made the world tremble.

The brothers soon realized they had discovered the audio diary of Dracula!

In what is believed to be the only recordings of Dracula’s actual voice, experts have pieced together a story centuries old.
A story that seems to continue today…

About the Author:
Amazon
Dracula's Winkee
The Funky Werepig
Gregory L Hall has a long history in comedy, improv, and as a radio/podcast personality. He’s a national Telly Award winner and creator/producer of the Baltimore Comedy Fest for Autism Awareness. But most know him for his live radio and now YouTube show, THE FUNKY WEREPIG. Greg enjoys speaking in 3rd person, so it doesn’t seem like his ego is as obnoxious as it truly is.

As a writer, he has enjoyed success with his novels AT THE END OF CHURCH STREET and THE LEGEND OF UGLY JOE, his comedic tribute to the horror movies of the 70's and 80's. Plus it has some kick bahookie crayon drawings in it, because he couldn't afford an artist. He also has a short story collection and has appeared in like a million billion maybe dozen anthologies, magazines, and funbooks. His No Pants Publishing continues to crank out 'I don't like reading'- friendly books like the Funky Werepig's SMILE WHEN IT'S BIG ENOUGH and the upcoming horror DEVIL MONKEY, The MUSICAL!

Not including his work as a pole dancer, Greg has captured so many world-changing moments on stage, video, and at drive-thru windows. But the biggest highlight of his career was when he was hugged by Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid). Let’s all pause for a moment. Mr. Miyagi, yo. That really happened.

Greg continues to be on his best behavior so his wife and children do not put him into that 'special' place they speak of loudly when he's in the room. His re-evaluations occur every Monday so check back often.

Funky Werepigs and Sheep!

Gregory Hall (comedian/radio show host/author/unicorn eater, AKA The Funky Werepig) and I met online about a decade ago!

He recently moved his Funky Werepig show to Youtube and invited me to have lunch with him (via Zoom) to shoot the s*** and talk books.

If you care to watch, we spent about 20 minutes being silly. And I spent most of it nervously eating! Then the last 5 minutes of the show I do a quick three-book review!

About the author:
FB-Twitter-Werepig FB-Youtube
Amazon

Gregory L Hall has a long history in comedy and theatre. He is a national Telly Award winner and creator of the Baltimore Comedy Fest as well as dozens of original works for stage and video/film. His biggest claim to fame during these years is that he was once hugged by Pat Morita, Mr. Mijagi of The Karate Kid. We should pause an extra moment to realize just how awesome that is.

As a writer, his stories have appeared in numerous publications including Shroud, Alien Skin, and Necrotic Tissue as well as anthologies such as OLD SCHOOL, DEATH BE NOT PROUD and CHRISTMAS IN HELL.

His novel 'AT THE END OF CHURCH STREET' has received great critical acclaim, sales that have led him to purchase many Happy Meals, and has changed how tourists view Orlando. Stoker Award-winning author Joe McKinney said of the goth thriller "This is the kind of debut authors dream of..."

Gregory is also the host/producer of the popular live radio show The Funky Werepig. You can join fellow piggie petters every Friday night on the TMV Cafe.

His short story collection WEREPIG FEVER gives high fives and disco hip bumps to decades worth of comedy, horror, suspense and even romance work, including his underground cult favorite 'Dracula's Winkee'. The foreword was written by the great author Andersen Prunty, who may or may not have been held at gunpoint.

Gregory continues to be on his best behavior so that his wife and children do not vote to lock him out of the house. The weekly re-evaluations occur every Monday so check back often.

Interview: Gregory L. Hall AKA The Funky Werepig + giveaway

*warning. I Smell Sheep is not responsible if you snort your drinks through your nose while reading this interview*

Heehee. You guys are in for a ride with this interview. Today we have comedian/radio show host/author/unicorn eater Gregory Hall. Now I am not saying Gregory is also the Werepig, but no one has ever seen them in the same room together...

A long time ago I was poking around the interwebs and ran across a Facebook page called The Funky Werepig. I thought this is someone I Smell Sheep has got to meet. The barnyard hasn't been the same since!

Gregory Hall hosts a web radio show called The Funky Werepig every Friday at 9:00PM at the TMVcafe. He recently asked I Smell Sheep to pick their June book of the month read! Since romance is the largest growing genre he wanted us to pick one for his listeners to experience. He wanted a story with a man-titty cover, but we felt his listeners couldn't handle the man-titty just yet. So Katie and I had to think real hard (not to hard, cause that would hurt). We wanted something paranormal (duh!) that would have mass appeal and not scare their readers to much (that means no kinky stuff). We went with....

Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost! I know, right? And it is only $1.99 for the kindle. So be sure to listen to The Funky Werepig and jump in on the discussion at the end of the month. I will post details of when that will happen later. All I can say is Chapter 32.

Gregory also released a collection of horror and humor stories called Werepig Fever which you can get for only $2.99 (ebook) Details at the end of the interview.

Okay enough of my blahblahblah, enjoy!

Sharon: Welcome to our lair *sets tray of moon pies and Kool-Aid down* I hear you serve moon pies over on your internet radio show The Funky Werepig every Friday night at 9pm EST at www.tmvcafe.com. What is your position on the mini-moon pies and the new mint flavor?

Greg: Wow. I didn't know about the minis. My real joy is in throwing moon pies at my live audiences. I’m thinking the minis would be wimpy, leaving me unsatisfied. Like going from Captain America’s shield to tossing a Cheerio. So no, I shan't give them my endorsement.

Now the new mint flavored…They kick bahookie. Only flavor I’m not a huge fan of so far is banana. We just didn't connect on that one. They kinda taste like banana to me.
Sharon: I concur… if you are going to throw things at your audience you want to make as big of an impression as possible, one that will stay on their face for days…

Greg: Preaching to the choir, Bestie.

Sharon: So what gives with the name Funky Werepig and how many of those masks do you own?
Greg: Masks? Yes. That’s correct. Masks. I wear a mask in those photos.

As far as the name, you know, we all see it every day. The discrimination against werepigs. ‘What’s up with all the harr-oinking?’ ‘Oh, they smell like day-old Crème of Wheat!’ ‘A werepig ate my grandmother!’ Such nitpicky complaints. I thought it was time to focus on the positive, like the fact that werepigs are excellent dancers. They truly are funky. So if my show does anything, I hope that it brings werepigs into a more acceptable light.


Sharon: Having your own radio show must be a blast. Tell our readers about it, how would their lives be enriched by listening to you?
Greg: Well, it may be the fastest hour of pure party fun ever put on internet radio. Or I may just be hugging myself here. I wouldn't doubt either claim. Mostly I bring on a guest and we just shoot the poo. Sure, they have a book or film or CD to promote, but in most every show we discuss something they've never talked about before in public. There’s a lot of laughing and for the audience, a chance to hear their favorite guests in a way that’s unguarded. I've been told it’s more like listening to two people sitting on a porch, just chugging bottle after bottle of Zima.

We also broadcast from the No Pants Zone. That should be mentioned. No pants allowed. It’s a very relaxed show. You should come on some time.
Sharon: Sounds like our interviews… laughing is a must. Who knew sheep and werepigs would think so much alike. Let’s talk gene splicing experiments after the interview…

Greg: You make me blush. This is the best Speed Dating party EVER.


Sharon: If you were on a TV show a theme song/music would play whenever you entered a room. What would yours be?
Greg: I’m partial to one we use on the show, sung by the sassy and naughty Ms. Tonia Brown. We get a lot of compliments on it and it’s become a catchy signature piece. But if I had to choose a song from TV, I am inspired to this day by the wisdom of the ‘Facts of Life’ theme

Sharon: When you aren't being a Funky Werepig you are Gregory L. Hall a comedian and author. What kind of stand-up did you do back in the day? On a scale of Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor where did you act fall?
Greg: Growing up, Bill Cosby was my biggest influence. I loved his story telling style. He didn't rely on punch lines. He used such strong characters and could make even a trip to the dentist hilarious. But, I do enjoy the edgier side of comedy too, just not as far as Pryor. I don’t dwell on rude or uncomfortable topics just to push limits and shock people. I’d say if I could ever reach my ultimate ‘comedy’ standard, it would be Bill Cosby’s story telling ability with George Carlin’s insight all delivered with Groucho Marx’s rapid fire wit. 

Sharon: Nice combination, again we will discuss genetic experiments later…

Greg: Actually I’m thinking all we have to do is break into a comedy club and exactly at midnight sacrifice Pauly Shore with a rubber chicken. If it doesn't work, what did we lose?

Sharon: You have two books out. Can you tell us about them?

Greg: I put out my first short story collection last fall called Werepig Fever. It’s very eclectic with horror, comedy, mystery, steampunk. Even a magical fantasy I co-wrote with my nine year old son about his ‘true love’, a friend of ours. She’s in her thirties. I’m pretty sure they’ll wind up getting married. It’s over a decade’s worth of work in one book, which kind of makes me feel like a rock star. But without the money, fame or groupies.

My novel is called At the End of Church Street. It’s a dark thriller about a ‘family’ of homeless Goth kids who try to create their own vampire Neverland. But they attract the attention of someone who believes they’re real. And this person is a crazed vampire hunter. So they’re found all over the city with a stake in their chests and their heads chopped off. Frightening, erotic and providing a brutally honest look into a vampire world that actually exists, it’s a fun read for the whole family.

You can find these, and many of the anthologies I’m in, under ‘Gregory L Hall’ on Amazon. Tell them I Smell Sheep sent ya and get a free Greg Hall Swimsuit Calendar!
Sharon: Throw in a werepig pin-up calendar and you got a deal!

Sharon: Does your wife think you are as funny as you think you are?
Greg: LOLoud! Yeah, I still catch her off-guard here and there. We laugh a lot in our house. While I have been blessed with a fun sense of humor, I love being around people who are a lot funnier than I am. My aunt can get me dying with one phone call. My sister and I wind up in tears and unable to breathe when we get together. I have some buds that are freaking brilliant. If we don’t hang out, I at least try to catch their FB postings every morning. I love making people laugh, but I’m selfish. I love to laugh even more.

Sharon: If you could own any piece of art in the world what would it be?
Greg: I would say one of those pixel paintings they have in the mall. That way I could bring it home and just stare at it all day until I see the ship or the clown or whatever. I can never find those damn things.
Sharon: oh, you needs drugs to see anything

*I Smell Sheep does not endorse drug use. Drugs are bad, kids. Just Say No!*

Greg: Drugs are bad until you get over 40. Then your doctor will try to put you on all kinds of things, side effects be damned. Where were these docs when I was 18? 

great guy, NOT a buttwipe.

Sharon: Since you worked in showbiz have you had any fanboy moments?
Greg: Oh sure. Comics, actors, music dudes. I dance in place and scream until I burst into tears. I’m a football fan and been lucky enough to meet some of the legendary players. Meeting Joe Lansdale and getting to interview him face to face was awesome. He probably hates when I say this but he’s one of my heroes, and there’s always that fear that when you do get to meet them, they’re absolutely buttwipes. But Joe was even cooler in person.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the time Pat Morita, Mr. Mijagi from the Karate Kid, gave me a hug. Biggest event of my life. I still haven’t washed the shirt I was wearing. I want to be able to inhale and know he’s still there, arms wrapped around my torso as he said to me ‘Oh, you a big one!’

Sharon: Is there an animal you think shouldn’t have made it onto the ark?
Greg: I don’t know what animal crossbred with humans to give us the Kardashians but that might be a safe bet.

Sharon: Is there an animal you wished would have made it?
Greg: It’s sad that heffalumps and woozles have faded into the world of myth.

Sharon: Again… drugs. You can see all the heffallumps and woozles you want at the mall.
Greg: I have the feeling even having tea with you would be a life altering experience.

Sharon: What was Little Boy Blue really doing behind the haystack?

Greg: He was blowing his horn, right? Now with all the new slang the kids use today, I’m not sure exactly what that means. For all I know, I may have done it once or twice myself.

Time for some Rapid Fire, hold onto your werepig!

Sharon: Campfire or bonfire?
Greg: Bonfire. A campfire implies being in the great outdoors. But you can build a bonfire in your living room.

Sharon: Lavern or Shirley?

Greg: Definitely Shirley. I’m a sucker for girls you can fall in love with. Laverne is a borderline trollop. I appreciate a woman who sees me as a person and not just a sex object.

Sharon: Pepsi or Coke?

Greg: Neither. I try to avoid sodas. Absolutely zero nutritional value. I prefer tea or plain water.

Sharon: Really? That is so sad. Do you at least eat candy?

Greg: Nope. No sugars anymore. I hit 50 this year so smoking, drinking, fatty meats and pasta, fast food, sweets, spotted owl- all that is in the glorious past. The only weaknesses left to me now are coffee and full body massages. Oh, and I still watch Looney Tunes. Up to 20 hours worth a day.

Sharon: Monster trucks or NASCAR?

Greg: My family is into NASCAR but I find it boring. Just watching cars go in a circle. But dude! A monster truck? Two of the best words ever, put together. Like Chocolate Apocalypse.

Sharon: Gomer Pile or Barney Fife?

Greg: Barney was one of the greatest characters ever created. Pure comic genius. His whole body was a weapon, y’know.

Sharon: Biscuits or cornbread?

Greg: That’s a tricky one. American or English biscuits? My wife loves cornbread so I’ll play it safe and say pop tarts.

Sharon: pop tarts rule! Corn bread rules! Biscuits rule!

Greg: Almost every food group is represented with those three choices.

Sharon: Leather or lace?

Greg: Lace. I find it very very sensual. Whereas leather chafes me so. Especially when I play tennis or go hiking.

As a far as the ladies, I still say the sexiest thing to wear is nothing but her man’s button down shirt. Or maybe a vintage Mary Lou Retton USA Olympic gymnastics leotard.

Sharon: Naughty librarian or sexy cop
Greg: I’ve learned the hard way never to be attracted to women who carry night sticks, pepper spray and tasers.

Sharon: City mouse or Country mouse?
Greg: I think they call mice from the city ‘rats’. But I do prefer country life to cities. Believe it or not, I shy away from crowds. I like it when things are quiet, at a slower pace.

Sharon: Unicorns or hellhounds?
Greg: Hellhounds for pets, but definitely unicorns for eating.

*I Smell Sheep does not condone the eating of Unicorns, they will stab your ass if you try*

Sharon: You are my kind of werepig sir! Let’s head to the lab. Katie is already there probably trying to create some type of sexy vampire lure.
Greg: Thank you very much for inviting me to your party. My day is never complete if I don’t smell sheep. Now if we’re going to see Katie, give me a second. I want to put on something low cut. And lacy.

Writer. Comic. Werepig. For years, in one form or another, Gregory L. Hall has terrorized the masses with his stories, his wit and his radio broadcasts from the No Pants Zone. Here for the first time he’s gathered 20 of his favorite darkly funky tales. And then added 2 more at the last minute to make things difficult for his publisher. From gigantic babies who destroy Des Moines to alien spaceships that cook people like bacon to vampires who suffer from erectile dysfunction, Werepig Fever is full of surprises. With this mixture of humor and horror, the message is clear. Buy this book - or Greg Hall marries your momma.

About the author: 

website-FB-twitter-Werepig FB
Gregory L Hall has a long history in comedy and theatre. He is a national Telly Award winner and creator of the Baltimore Comedy Fest as well as dozens of original works for stage and video/film. His biggest claim to fame during these years is that he was once hugged by Pat Morita, Mr. Mijagi of The Karate Kid. We should pause an extra moment to realize just how awesome that is.

As a writer his stories have appeared in numerous publications including Shroud, Alien Skin and Necrotic Tissue as well as anthologies such as OLD SCHOOL, DEATH BE NOT PROUD and CHRISTMAS IN HELL.

His novel 'AT THE END OF CHURCH STREET' has received great critical acclaim, sales that have led him to purchase many Happy Meals and has changed how tourists view Orlando. Stoker Award winning author Joe McKinney said of the goth thriller "This is the kind of debut authors dream of..."

Gregory is also the host/producer of the popular live radio show The Funky Werepig. You can join fellow piggie petters every Friday night on the TMV Cafe.

His short story collection WEREPIG FEVER gives high fives and disco hip bumps to decades worth of comedy, horror, suspense and even romance work, including his underground cult favorite 'Dracula's Winkee'. The foreword was written by the great author Andersen Prunty, who may or may not have been held at gunpoint.

Gregory continues to be on his best behavior so that his wife and children do not vote to lock him out of the house. The weekly re-evaluations occur every Monday so check back often.

***GIVEAWAY***

an ecopy of Werepig Fever

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Dwayne and Zander’s Smexy Anti-Vampire Comedy Club Safety Tips

PART 2 (of 2)

Here is part 2 of Dwayne and Zander's I Smell Sheep exclusive feature. Be sure to read the conversation they had about books, comedy and vampires on the previous post to get more entries to win this awesome prize pack they put together.

Dwayne and Zander’s Smexy Anti-Vampire Comedy Club Safety Tips

(A public service courtesy of Dwayne Perkins and Zander Marks)

If you are a regular reader of I Smell Sheep, then it is obvious that you:

1. Possess and exude an undefinable aura of smexiness and sensibility.
2. Have an unerring sense of humor.

These are both incredible qualities, and they will serve you well in life. Unfortunately, these qualities also make you completely irresistible to smexy, chiseled, and frequently-shirtless vampires of the type that lurk about comedy club parking lots, oiling their sculpted torsos and flexing their pectorals in anticipation of the end of the show.

Fortunately, you can protect yourself. The following tips may save your life.

1) Always tip your waitstaff generously. It is a little-known fact (outside of comedy circles--this is of course common insider knowledge) that comedy club waitstaff are nearly always on the payroll of one or more vampires at any given time. Poor tippers are often surreptitiously marked for death, and rude patrons are always marked for death. (A subtle chamomile-scented spritz laced with minute traces of blood--usually O-Negative--is typically used as the marker.) As soon as the offending patron exits the double doors at the end of the show, death by exsanguination invariably awaits.

2) Hecklers never survive. You may think that burly man at the door is a “bouncer.” And technically speaking, of course, he is. But vampires never refer to comedy club security as “bouncers.” They call them “caterers.” Nothing like a mid-show snack of an ejected heckler to tide a vampire over until the headliner finishes the set and the double doors swing open for the main course. Nom! Nom!

Little known legal fact: In most jurisdictions, the death or disappearance of a known heckler is not grounds for police action of any kind. Indeed, many municipalities have been known to award keys to the city and free utility service to residents who can give adequate proof that they had a hand in ridding the community of a known heckler.

Don’t believe us? Then ask yourself this question: When was the last time you saw a vampire pay a water bill?

3) Turn off your cell phone. This should be self-explanatory and is included only in the interest of completeness.

4) Vampires can be swayed by clear evidence of excellent literary taste. If after your best efforts and careful attention to the rules above, you still find yourself face-to-face with a sizzling, smexy vampire with lust and/or bloodlust in his undead eyes, you have one final shot at survival. Vampires (especially super-hot vampires with washboard abs, breathtaking eyes, and soul-melting European accents) are impressed by literary savvy. When confronted with irrefutable proof that their intended victim is well-read, urbane, and discriminating in their reading choices, vampires have been known not only to spare their lives, but indeed to fall in love with them. Instead of bleeding the intended victim dry as the next meal, it is nearly always the case that the vampire will instead woo, court, and even seduce her in a non-lethal and unspeakably enjoyable manner.

So your reading choices matter. The following titles have been extensively tested among comedy-club-parking-lot vampires in all parts of the world, and the results are clear and documented.* These books save lives.

(* in reputable scientific journals too numerous to list here)

Dwayne Perkins is nationally-touring stand-up comedian with television credits that include The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Conan and Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central Presents, and Last Comic Standing. You can find Dwayne’s writing and performance at the following:
Book: Hot Chocolate for the Mind (Available for Kindle. Paperback coming soon.)
Compact Discs: She Ate My Haircut and Dwayne Perkins to the Rescue
Amazon Video: Comedy Central Presents Dwayne Perkins (Season 8, Ep. 19)
Tour/Live Performance Information: http://www.dwayneperkins.com

Zander Marks is the author of Death Ain’t But A Word: A Supernatural Hot Mess, which has received 4 1/2 Sheep from ismellsheep.com, 5 stars from the San Francisco Book Review and Fantasy Review Barn, and a “Highly Recommended” from the Midwest Book Review. The novel tells the story of Wilkin Jones, a surprisingly endearing crackhead who sees ghosts.

After you enter here, be sure to go to Dwayne and Zander's interview post to get more entries for the prize pack!

I Smell Sheep giveaway package:

Supernatural Hot Chocolate Double Rescue Kit

One autographed copy of Dwayne Perkins to the Rescue.

One autographed copy of Death Ain’t But a Word.

One certificate for the Kindle version of Hot Chocolate for the Mind.

One canister of Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Hot Cocoa Mix.

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