PART 2 (of 2)Here is part 2 of Dwayne and Zander's I Smell Sheep exclusive feature. Be sure to read the conversation they had about books, comedy and vampires on the previous post to get more entries to win this awesome prize pack they put together.
Dwayne and Zander’s Smexy Anti-Vampire Comedy Club Safety Tips
(A public service courtesy of Dwayne Perkins and Zander Marks)
If you are a regular reader of I Smell Sheep, then it is obvious that you:
- Possess and exude an undefinable aura of smexiness and sensibility.
- Have an unerring sense of humor.
These are both incredible qualities, and they will serve you well in life. Unfortunately, these qualities also make you completely irresistible to smexy, chiseled, and frequently-shirtless vampires of the type that lurk about comedy club parking lots, oiling their sculpted torsos and flexing their pectorals in anticipation of the end of the show.
Fortunately, you can protect yourself. The following tips may save your life.
1) Always tip your waitstaff generously. It is a little-known fact (outside of comedy circles--this is of course common insider knowledge) that comedy club waitstaff are nearly always on the payroll of one or more vampires at any given time. Poor tippers are often surreptitiously marked for death, and rude patrons are always marked for death. (A subtle chamomile-scented spritz laced with minute traces of blood--usually O-Negative--is typically used as the marker.) As soon as the offending patron exits the double doors at the end of the show, death by exsanguination invariably awaits.
2) Hecklers never survive. You may think that burly man at the door is a “bouncer.” And technically speaking, of course, he is. But vampires never refer to comedy club security as “bouncers.” They call them “caterers.” Nothing like a mid-show snack of an ejected heckler to tide a vampire over until the headliner finishes the set and the double doors swing open for the main course. Nom! Nom!
Little known legal fact: In most jurisdictions, the death or disappearance of a known heckler is not grounds for police action of any kind. Indeed, many municipalities have been known to award keys to the city and free utility service to residents who can give adequate proof that they had a hand in ridding the community of a known heckler.
Don’t believe us? Then ask yourself this question: When was the last time you saw a vampire pay a water bill?
3) Turn off your cell phone. This should be self-explanatory and is included only in the interest of completeness.
4) Vampires can be swayed by clear evidence of excellent literary taste. If after your best efforts and careful attention to the rules above, you still find yourself face-to-face with a sizzling, smexy vampire with lust and/or bloodlust in his undead eyes, you have one final shot at survival. Vampires (especially super-hot vampires with washboard abs, breathtaking eyes, and soul-melting European accents) are impressed by literary savvy. When confronted with irrefutable proof that their intended victim is well-read, urbane, and discriminating in their reading choices, vampires have been known not only to spare their lives, but indeed to fall in love with them. Instead of bleeding the intended victim dry as the next meal, it is nearly always the case that the vampire will instead woo, court, and even seduce her in a non-lethal and unspeakably enjoyable manner.
So your reading choices matter. The following titles have been extensively tested among comedy-club-parking-lot vampires in all parts of the world, and the results are clear and documented.* These books save lives.
(* in reputable scientific journals too numerous to list here)
Dwayne Perkins is nationally-touring stand-up comedian with television credits that include The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Conan and Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central Presents, and Last Comic Standing. You can find Dwayne’s writing and performance at the following:
Book: Hot Chocolate for the Mind (Available for Kindle. Paperback coming soon.)
Compact Discs: She Ate My Haircut and Dwayne Perkins to the Rescue
Amazon Video: Comedy Central Presents Dwayne Perkins (Season 8, Ep. 19)
Tour/Live Performance Information: http://www.dwayneperkins.com
Zander Marks is the author of Death Ain’t But A Word: A Supernatural Hot Mess, which has received 4 1/2 Sheep from ismellsheep.com, 5 stars from the San Francisco Book Review and Fantasy Review Barn, and a “Highly Recommended” from the Midwest Book Review. The novel tells the story of Wilkin Jones, a surprisingly endearing crackhead who sees ghosts.
After you enter here, be sure to go to Dwayne and Zander's interview post to get more entries for the prize pack!
I Smell Sheep giveaway package: