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Showing posts with label Dark comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dark comedy. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 18, 2026

Excerpt: MalaBrava by Carol James Marshall

 
MalaBrava
by Carol James Marshall
Genre: Horror, Dark Comedy
Date of Publication: August 1, 2026
ASIN: B0H12RB68Z
Number of pages: 241
Word Count: 58,477
Welcome to Malabrava a town where the squirrels carry knives, the vampires have HOA problems, and the local mad scientist is still workshopping the perfect dick.

When Grizzy Del Monstruo isn’t decapitating problems or resurrecting boyfriends in her basement lab, she’s navigating family dinners, supernatural bureaucracy, and the inconvenience of having a moral compass. Around her, monsters bicker, humans wander in by accident, and nobody seems particularly concerned about the body count as long as it stays within city limits.

Malabrava is a brutally funny, deeply inappropriate adult dark comedy packed with gore, sex, monsters, and unhinged domesticity.

If you like your horror ridiculous, your comedy filthy, and your towns aggressively cursed, you’ve just found your new favorite place to never visit.

Excerpt:
Griselda grew up in Malabrava. Her family founded the town. The streets, the smells, the houses, the people, and even the squirrels with knives run through her veins. She loves Malabrava and all its quirks.

Grizzy is a Del Monstruo. Not the youngest, not the oldest. She’s the middle-aged one. The Auntie. The one who never married, never wanted to. Grizzy’s the one people call when something needs to be handled. Because that’s what Grizzy does. Grizzy handles things.

Nobody asks how. It’s understood. Grizzy is what some might call sketchy with a heart of gold. She’ll go to war for the people she loves, and she has a clean, no-fuss method of decapitation for the ones she doesn’t.

She lives in the family home, dead center in the town of Malabrava. Her parents retired to a smaller place on the outskirts, saying they needed more land for at-home burials. Her sister Gracie prefers her condo near their parents. Gracie said that the convenient burial space is a plus. Makes cleanup easier.

They left Grizzy the house. You’d expect a gothic mansion, right? This is Malabrava, where things creep in broad daylight. A home for someone called Del Monstruo should come with bats, cobwebs, a gong, a butler who only groans, and a maid with wild frizzy red hair and access to the gong.

But no.

Grizzy’s grandfather was a modernist. Way ahead of his time. He wanted to be a supervillain, and in his mind, supervillains needed sleek, sprawling homes with underground bunkers, hidden rooms, and plans for a moat.

He never made it to “super.” He was a decent villain. He refused to recycle and regularly flipped off children, but he lacked the follow-through. He couldn’t commit to one evil scheme long enough to earn the title.

Grizzy’s grandmother was the true force. A science-minded woman with dangerous ideas. She adored the modern mansion. It gave her room for her lab.

That lab became Grizzy’s favorite place in the world.

Grizzy the fixer, the inventor, the one always tinkering away in her lab is deeply loved by her family. But her mother, a devout occultist with a dramatic streak, had other hopes. She wanted Griselda to be witchy. Ideally, a Voodoo Priestess. She always said Griselda looked striking in white. Though, in the end, she would’ve settled for a kitchen witch with a solid essential oil game.

Her father, a known vampire, had his hopes too. Gracie inherited the thirst. Gracie was the one born with a taste for blood.

But not Grizzy.

Instead, she snuck into her grandmother’s lab as a child. Touched everything labeled “Do Not Touch.” Sniffed everything marked “Hazard.” Dreamed of beakers and blueprints. She ignored every warning.

At twelve, she came out to the family as a Mad Scientist.

Her parents told her they loved her. Accepted her, a little reluctantly. Gracie grinned. She had another reason to be the favorite now.

They threw a family barbecue for her official announcement. The cousins came. The uncles, the aunts, the vaguely-related lurkers. Grizzy cut a cake shaped like a beaker and declared, “I’m a Mad Scientist, like Granny.”

There was a pause.

Some awkward glances.

Then applause.

The Del Monstruos were known for monsters...being them, birthing them, bargaining with them. But Grizzy wasn’t rattled by the hesitation. She knew the truth.

What was better than being a monster?

Inventing them.

About the Author:
Carol James Marshall is a storyteller who loves serving up scary stories with and sometimes adds some laughs.

Carol writes genre-bending horror packed with comedy, paranormal twists, sci-fi, and suspense. As a bilingual, low-vision author, she uses adaptive tech and bold fonts to bring her stories to life, crafting her books in English, Spanish, or sometimes both.

When she isn't weaving nightmares or getting lost in an audiobook, Carol works as a medical coder and biller. Her journey spans from the sunny streets of Los Angeles, California, to the vibrant culture of Mexicali, Mexico, and she now happily calls Georgia home.

Friday, March 27, 2026

Comic Review: Woodstake - Hippie Vampire Comic Book Series

Woodstake Hippie Vampire Comic Book Series  
Writer: Darin S. Cape
Illustrator: Felipe Kroll
April 14, 2026
Publisher: SHP
Genre: Horror, Graphic Novel
ISBN: 979-8-9927499-1-5
Ages 16+
Sink your teeth into Woodstake a brilliant horror/comedy about three days of peace, music, and blood. In the summer of 1969, an old and deadly vampire awakens as hippies unknowingly gather for the historic Woodstock Festival. Amidst the backdrop of peace signs and protest anthems, festival-goers are hunted in a chilling but hilarious adventure filled with music, mayhem, and vampires tripping hard on hippie blood. Woodstake is a must-have series, masterfully blending 1960s counterculture, psychedelic imagery, vampire mythology, and biting humor into something truly special. Prepare for a wild ride of laughs and frights in Woodstake!

Woodstake is as shrewd as Shaun of the Dead and as haunting as a Hendrix solo!
Buy: 
Print copy out April 14, 2026
digital copy out on SHP website 
 
Review:
O_O (my face when I was offered a review copy, LOL.) I mean, how could I not? Look at that title! Look at that cover...nom nom nom.
 
Okay, time to get serious. Let's talk story. Woodstake is Dracula-coded. The main vampire is never named, but it's Dracula. Other characters' names are plays on some of the original book characters. But there is a Van Helsing. The vampire lore is also consistent with the book. 
 
The prologue might smell a little like Dracula but it is an imaginative, fresh take from chapters one to five. It covers the vampire's journey across the ocean to escape Helsing in 1927. He lands in upstate NY and almost dies (again). One groovy page is used to transition the story from 1931 to 1965 and the start of chapter one.

The story picks up with Jonathan Harper and Nina Murray making the cross-country drive to NY for Woodstock with two other friends. Over the course of the five chapters, our crew's story crosses paths with the vamp and the characters' relatives from the prologue. The songs playing in the background of each scene are shown so you can imagine the story's soundtrack while reading.
 
Does the vamp dress like a hippie and take acid? Does he meet Jimi Hendrix? And if so, does he eat him? You'll have to read it. This is a spoiler-free review.
 
At the end of chapter five, we are teased with Woodstake '99! How far-out is that sequel idea?

The artwork is a mixed bag. It looks like they used a 3-D model program and digitally painted them. I've seen it used in online comics. The characters look life-like in some panels, but sometimes stiff. In other panels, they look more painted, if that makes sense... Not my favorite style, but once I got into the story, I adjusted to it.
 
I was born in 1967, so I don't remember much about the '60s, except what I learned from the media (music, TV, movies), and the fashion made a cool Halloween costume "Peace out." Woodstake captures the '60s vibes, the good and the bad.
  
5 "And that's the way it is." Sheep


OMG! You can get the whole digital series on sale!

The print version is on pre-order.
 

SHP: A new kind of comics company
Website
SHP was founded by Shawn Hainsworth in 2021. He wanted to bring his thought-provoking screenwriting into the world of comics and enlisted the help of some world class talents. SHP already has 3 acclaimed series coming to comic shops in the fall with a brand new adventure slated for 2025.

The future looks bright. Won't you join us on the edge?

From https://booksforward.com/ Press Release:
SHP’s unique collection of horror, science fiction, adventure, comedy and reimagined classic stories are distributed by IPG, Lunar via Massive Indies and Diamond, available in comic book stores and at the publisher’s website.

Monday, May 2, 2022

Bizarro Crime Horror Story: Absolute Unit by Nick Kolakowski

by Nick Kolakowski
July 29, 2021
Genre: Humorous Dark Comedy, Horror Comedy, Literary Satire Fiction
141 pages
Absolute Unit is a dark carnival ride through the underside of the American Dream, where hustlers and parasites fight to survive against gun-toting furries, sarcastic drug kingpins, old ladies who are startlingly good with knives, and angry ex-girlfriends. It’s a hardboiled slice of modern American horror that asks the deepest question of all: Is the human race worth saving?

Bill is a nobody, a health inspector who’s not above taking a few dollars to overlook a restaurant’s mouse problem, and hated by nearly everyone except his long-suffering girlfriend. His nephew, Trent, isn’t much better: sexually and morally confused, he’s probably the worst teenage con artist on the East Coast. But today, these two losers are going to become the most important people in the world.

That’s because Bill and Trent harbor a sentient parasite with a sarcastic sense of humor and a ravenous appetite. As the parasite figures out how to control its new human hosts, the focus of its desires grows from delicious cheeseburgers and beer to something much darker and more dangerous.

The apocalypse might come from within us…

Proudly represented by Crystal Lake Publishing—Tales from the Darkest Depths.

 “[This] bizarro crime horror story is a friggin’ blast, packed chock full of comedy, outrageousness, and violence.”—Michael Patrick Hicks, author of The Resurrectionists

“Action packed, gory, and hilarious. I loved it!” – Michelle Garza
“Gritty action, a unique narrator and lots of humor make this an absurdly fun-to-read novella. Absolute Unit was a fun, fast-paced mashup of horror, sci-fi and gritty thriller, and I had a blast reading it.”—Books, Bones, and Buffy

“…takes the basic concept of a thriller, dials up the body horror, and puts a blackly comedic twist on the whole thing, the end result being uniquely entertaining and gleefully bonkers.”— Richard Martin, Horror Oasis
About the Author:
Nick Kolakowski's work has appeared in The Washington Post, McSweeney's, Washington City Paper, Thuglit, Shotgun Honey, North American Review, The Evergreen Review, and Rust & Moth, among other venues. He lives in New York City.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Excerpt: The Space Between Time by Charlie Laidlaw + giveaway


Welcome to the month-long mega tour for Charlie Laidlaw's newest book, The Space Between Time, due for release on June 20th! There will be fantastic bloggers participating, who will be posting interviews, excerpts, reviews, and other exclusive content! Additionally, there are loads of goodies being given away, so be sure to enter at the bottom! 
The Space Between Time
by Charlie Laidlaw
June 20th, 2019
Genre: Contemporary Fiction/ Dark Comedy 
There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on Earth... 

Emma Maria Rossini appears to be the luckiest girl in the world. She's the daughter of a beautiful and loving mother, and her father is one of the most famous film actors of his generation. She's also the granddaughter of a rather eccentric and obscure Italian astrophysicist.

But as her seemingly charmed life begins to unravel, and Emma experiences love and tragedy, she ultimately finds solace in her once-derided grandfather's Theorem on the universe.

The Space Between Time is humorous and poignant and offers the metaphor that we are all connected, even to those we have loved and not quite lost.
Add to Goodreads


Excerpt
Timescale for a Closed Universe

It wasn’t an afternoon that I like to remember, and not just because of my shrieking tantrum. Once I’d calmed down, Mum told me I’d been very silly, because it was all make-believe on a cinema screen. I reminded her that she’d cried when Bambi’s mum died, and that was a film and a cartoon. Mum said that it wasn’t the same thing at all. But I wasn’t being silly because I wasn’t old enough to know the difference between pretence and reality. Dad had looked pretty dead on the screen. The blood on his chest had looked pretty real. If it had been a different dead person, I would have been OK. Children don’t really know where make-believe ends and the real world begins and, partly because of who I am, it’s remained pretty hazy ever since. I also don’t like to remember that film because it was the moment when I realised that our lives were about to change, and I didn’t know if that would be a good thing. Sounds strange, yes? Here’s something stranger: I am a child of the sea, I sometimes think, and have done ever since we first moved to live beside it. I feel subject to its vagaries and tempers, with its foaming margins framed against a towering sky. I am familiar with its unchanging mood swings. That’s how I like things; I find the familiar comforting. I find change threatening. I am the daughter of someone who, not long after that ghastly cinema outing, became one of the most famous actors of his generation and, importantly for me, the granddaughter of a rather brilliant but obscure physics professor. But despite their overachievements, I have inherited no aptitude for mathematics and my father positively hated the idea of his only offspring following in his thespian footsteps. He knew how cruel and badly paid the profession could be. But I still look up to my grandfather, and think of his ludicrous moustache with affection. Gramps once told me that there are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on Earth. Just think of all those sandpits, beaches and deserts! That’s an awful lot of stars. He then told me, his only grandchild, that I was his shining star, which was a nice thing to say and why I remember him talking about sand and stars. On clear nights, with stars twinkling, I often think about him. I still believe in my grandfather, and admire his stoic acceptance in the face of professional disdain, because I believe in the unique power of ideas, right or wrong, and that it’s our thoughts that shape our existence. We are who we believe ourselves to be. I gave up believing in my father long ago, because speaking other people’s words and ideas seemed like a lame excuse for a job, even if he was paid millions, and met the Queen on several occasions. She must have liked him because she awarded him an OBE for services to film, theatre and charity. Charity! Who the hell told the Queen that? I stopped believing in him one Christmas Day, a long time ago, when he simply didn’t turn up. It wasn’t his presents that I missed, or even his presence, but the warm, fuzzy feeling of being important to him. During that day of absence and loss I concluded that his wife and daughter couldn’t much matter to him, otherwise he’d have made a bigger effort to get home. That Christmas Day, my father was simply somewhere else, probably in a bar, immaculately dressed, his hair slicked back, the object of male envy and the centre of every woman’s attention for miles around. In that respect, Dad was more tomcat than father, except that by then his territory, his fame, stretched around the globe. I know this: by then he had a Golden Globe to prove it. He gushed pheromones from every pore, squirting attraction in every direction, and even women with a poor sense of smell could sniff him out. I feel mostly Scottish, but am a little bit Italian. It explains my name, Emma Maria Rossini; my dark complexion, black hair, the slightly long nose, and thin and lanky body. Obese I am not, and will never be, however much pasta I eat, and I eat lots. It also explains my temper, according to some people, although I don’t agree with them, and my brown cow’s eyes, as an almost-boyfriend once described them, thinking he was paying me a compliment, before realising that he had just become an ex-almost-boyfriend. But mostly I am a child of the sea. That’s what happens if you live for long enough by its margins: it becomes a part of you; its mood echoing your mood, until you know what it’s thinking, and it knows everything about you. That’s what it feels like when I contemplate its tensile strength and infinite capacity for change. On calm flat days in North Berwick, with small dinghies marooned on the glassy water, and loud children squealing in its shallows, it can make me anxious and cranky. The sea, on those days, seems soulless and tired, bereft of spirit. But on wilder days, the beach deserted, or with only a hardy dog-walker venturing across the sand, with large waves thundering in, broaching and breaking, then greedily sucking back pebbles into the foam, I feel energised: this is what the sea enjoys, a roaring irresponsibility, and I share in its pleasure. We are all children of the sea, I sometimes think, or we should be – even those who have never seen an ocean or tasted its saltiness; I can stand for hours and contemplate its far horizons, lost within myself, sharing its passion. In the Firth of Forth is the ebb and flow of my past and my existence, wrapped tight against the west wind. It is what I am, placid and calm, or loud and brash.


About the Author:
I was born in Paisley, central Scotland, which wasn’t my fault. That week, Eddie Calvert with Norrie Paramor and his Orchestra were Top of the Pops, with Oh, Mein Papa, as sung by a young German woman remembering her once-famous clown father. That gives a clue to my age, not my musical taste. I was brought up in the west of Scotland and graduated from the University of Edinburgh. I still have the scroll, but it’s in Latin, so it could say anything. I then worked briefly as a street actor, baby photographer, puppeteer and restaurant dogsbody before becoming a journalist. I started in Glasgow and ended up in London, covering news, features and politics. I interviewed motorbike ace Barry Sheene, Noel Edmonds threatened me with legal action and, because of a bureaucratic muddle, I was ordered out of Greece. I then took a year to travel round the world, visiting 19 countries. Highlights included being threatened by a man with a gun in Dubai, being given an armed bodyguard by the PLO in Beirut (not the same person with a gun), and visiting Robert Louis Stevenson’s grave in Samoa. What I did for the rest of the year I can’t quite remember Surprisingly, I was approached by a government agency to work in intelligence, which just shows how shoddy government recruitment was back then. However, it turned out to be very boring and I don’t like vodka martini. Craving excitement and adventure, I ended up as a PR consultant, which is the fate of all journalists who haven’t won a Pulitzer Prize, and I’ve still to listen to Oh, Mein Papa. I am married with two grown-up children and live in central Scotland. And that’s about it.


GIVEAWAY
I have 2 signed copies of The Space Between Time to giveaway, 3 fun coffee mugs featuring all 3 of Charlie Laidlaw's books, and 3 digital copies of the book in the winner's format of choice! Amazing right? Click the link below to enter! 

*Open Internationally - Giveaway closes June 30th 


Blog Tour Schedule
June 3rd

Reads & Reels (Review) http://www.readsandreels.com
The Writer’s Alley (Review) https://www.jacobrundle.com
Yearwood La Novela (Excerpt) http://yearwooddailybookreview.wordpress.com
June 4th
Tranquil Dreams (Review) http://klling.wordpress.com
Little Tinklabee (Review) https://littletinkablee.com/
Jun 5th
Jessica Belmont (Review) https://jessicabelmont.wordpress.com/
June 6th
Cup of Toast (Review) https://cupoftoast.co.uk
Gwendalyn’s Books (Review) http://gwendalynbooks.wordpress.com
June 7th
Breakeven Books (Interview) https://breakevenbooks.com
June 8th
Didi Oviatt (Excerpt) https://didioviatt.wordpress.com
June 9th
Life at 17 (Review) https://lifeat17.wordpress.com
June 10th
Where Dragons Reside (Excerpt) https://kernerangelina.live/
Inked and Blonde (Review) http://www.inkedandblondeonline.co.uk
Go By the Book (Review) http://gobythebookblog.wordpress.com
June 11th
Valerie’s Musings - https://valeriesmusings.com/
June 12th
Misty’s Book Space - http://mistysbookspace.wordpress.com
June 13th
Brianne’s Book Reviews (Review) http://briannesbookreviewsvideo.wordpress.com
June 14th
Love Books Group - http://lovebooksgroup.blog
June 15th
Wrong Side of Forty (Review) http://wrongsideoffortyuk.wordpress.com
June 16th
The Bookworm Drinketh (Review) http://thebookwormdrinketh.wordpress.com/
The Reading Chemist (Review) https://thereadingchemist.com/
June 17th
Reading Nook (Excerpt) http://readingnook84.wordpress.com
June 19th 
Banshee Horror Blog (review) www.bansheeirishhorrorblog.com
The Faerie Review (Review) http://www.thefaeriereview.com
June 20th
The Magic of Wor(l)ds (Interview) http://themagicofworlds.wordpress.com
June 21st
Sawdust & Spoons (Review) http://sawdustandspoons.com/
June 22nd
June 23rd
The Hufflepuff Nerdette (Review) https://thehufflepuffnerdette.wordpress.com/
June 25th
Kim Knight (Review & Interview) http://www.kimknightauthor.com
Quirky Cat’s Fat Stacks (Review) https://quirkycatsfatstacks.com/
June 26th
The Photographers Way (Review) http://www.thephotographersway.org
June 27th
Daily Waffle (Excerpt) http://www.dailywaffle.co.uk/
I’m Into Books (Excerpt) https://www.imintobooks.com/
June 28th
Scarlett Readz & Runz (Interview) https://scarlettreadzandrunz.com/
B is for Book Review (Review) https://bforbookreview.wordpress.com

Blog Tour Organized By:

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Decking the Haunted Halls with Gail Z. Martin

Decking the Haunted Halls
with Gail Z. Martin 

I love Halloween. Always have, since I was a kid. Even without the candy, I loved the costumes and all the spooky decorations. Once, I rigged up my bedroom with my old Halloween costumes like a haunted house and then was afraid to sleep in it! (My mother was not amused.)

Still, our decorations are more fun than terrifying, because I remember how scared my kids used to get when they were little and some of our neighbors went all-out with sound effects, fog and people jumping out from the bushes. We once had a neighbor who dressed as a witch and rose out of a coffin. My kids took one look, screamed and ran all the way home. So we keep it tame.

Well, as tame as a life-size inflatable hearse driven by the headless horseman with a vampire rising out of his coffin in the back can be. Or an eight-foot dragon that flaps its wings. Yeah, we’re those neighbors.
And just when I think we’re a little over the top, I look through the decoration catalogues and walk into places like Spirit and wonder—who actually decorates with the life-size animated mummies and witches and bodies hanging in cocoons? And how do I get invited to their parties? Seriously, some of these catalogues have stuff that look way better than theme park attractions I’ve been through!

Inside, some of my favorite decorations are hand-painted. Back when I had free time, I enjoyed painting ceramics (although I’m better with words than with paint). Still, I’m fond of the pieces I painted and enjoy seeing them each year. Many of the other decorations have been collected here and there over the years. One of my daughters has a birthday near Halloween, so all the time she was growing up, we did Halloween-themed birthday parties with spooky cakes!
I’ve also got all of Midnight Syndicate’s terrifyingly wonderful spooky music CDs, which are fun to play either when I’m writing a scary scene or to scare the liver out of trick-or-treaters!

Of course, Halloween wouldn’t be the same without ‘It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown’, ‘Hocus Pocus’ and ‘Halloweentown’. You’re never too old to enjoy those with a big bowl of popcorn!

But really, if you want to see over the top, talk to me about Christmas decorations!

The New Templars novella series is a new series of short novels, similar to BookShots. Spells, Salt, & Steel is the first in the series by popular steampunk, epic, and urban fantasy duo Gail Z. Martin and Larry N. Martin.
They are the first line of defense against the things that go bump in the night. 
They are the keepers of a centuries-old legacy of The Church defending the world against the forces of darkness. 
They are a bunch of highly armed rednecks, internet video celebrities, soccer moms, and assorted broken nutjobs.
They are the new Templars, and things are about to get weird.
by Gail Z. Martin,‎ Larry N. Martin
October 3, 2017
116 pages
When all else fails, the ass end of a carp makes a damn fine weapon.

No, that didn't come from the lips of Bubba the Monster Hunter, but it sure could have! That sentence right there kinda encapsulates the life of Mark Wojcik, Monster Hunter. A blue-collar mechanic from the wilds of PA, Mark likes his beer cold, his poker games private, and his monsters…well, he doesn’t like them at all. So when he finds himself dueling a Japanese mythical monster in the Linesville Spillway in the wee hours of the night, he has to use every available weapon to survive and vanquish the ningen. 

Even if it means beating the damn thing to death with a carp. 

If interloping Japanese fish-monsters weren’t bad enough, there’s a Nazi ghost terrorizing the community. Somebody needs to gank the ghostie, and Mark is the man for the job. 

He hopes. 
An excerpt from Spells, Salt, and Steel: A New Templars Novel here 

Let me give a shout-out for #HoldOnToTheLight 2017, back for more with new authors and fantastic new posts! 130+ Sci-Fi/Fantasy authors blogging about their personal struggles with depression, PTSD, anxiety, suicide and self-harm, candid posts by some of your favorite authors on how mental health issues have impacted their lives and books. Read the stories, share the stories, change a life. Find out more at www.HoldOnToTheLight.com

And an excerpt from my friend Jean Marie Ward’s Lord Bai and the Magic Pirate here
About the Author:
Wattpad 
Gail Z. Martin writes epic fantasy, urban fantasy and steampunk for Solaris Books and Orbit Books. Vengeance: A Darkhurst novel, is the second in a new epic fantasy series for Solaris (coming April, 2018). Her Deadly Curiosities urban fantasy series set in Charleston, SC has a new novel, Vendetta, and a new collection, Trifles and Folly. Spells, Salt, and Steel is the first in another new urban fantasy series set in upstate Pennsylvania. 

Other work includes the Chronicles Of The Necromancer series, the Fallen Kings Cycle, the Ascendant Kingdoms series, the Deadly Curiosities urban fantasy series, and Iron & Blood (co-authored with Larry N. Martin)

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Larry Weiner (Paradise Rot: The Island Trilogy book #1) explains "Murder Tarp" + giveaway


Since writing a trilogy in which undead are rendered dead again, I became fascinated with how pedestrian killing can be. Also, there was a scene in the movie "Heat" in which someone opens a trunk to reveal a tarp taped to the insides and I thought, "that's a murder tarp!" I started imagining how many people go to Home Depot to get tools that might be used for nefarious purposes. Seemed kinda funny to me. That plus I'm a fan of Dexter. - Larry Weiner

PRACTICAL CONSIDERATIONS WHEN REMOVING ANY TRACE OF A PACKAGE 

We’re going to move right past the ethical issues surrounding package removal because we’re sociopaths and professionals. If you feel the need to ponder your decision to involve yourself in package removal, then this blog’s not for you. The practical advice given here is to create what is known as Habeas Corpus http://bit.ly/1JvPdFO .

I’m (redacted) and I’m the owner/operator of Murder Tarp, the “clearing house for tips, suggestions, recipes and deals on disposing unwanted items®”
Like us and learn practical advice on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tarpselection
And follow us on Twitter: @murdertarp
Right now, follow this twitter link:
bit.ly/1x0ZCVs #Uline as it carries an extraordinary selection of chemical resistant rubber gloves.)

I’ve been asked to focus on one particular tip from our plethora of advice when disposing of a package. I considered a variety of options ranging from where to purchase the best chemical solvents (Istanbul) to the best bone saw (G3 Bonesaw http://bit.ly/1JvRsZL) but given today’s often time sensitive options I thought it best to talk about the old school—never fails—murder tarp.

It’s our moniker for many reasons; chief among them, practicality and ease of purchase and you can’t be prosecuted for using the word “murder” in your business name.

The market is flooded with all manner of tarpaulin. Let’s break it down.

TYPE
Tarps come in a variety of materials such as polyethylene, canvas and vinyl. The material is usually woven for strength and is classified simply as “regular duty,” “heavy duty,” and so on. Grommet size is universal, though they are classified by strength and are manufactured from different metals such as aluminum and stainless steel.

The tarp materials used are as follows:

Polyethylene: It’s a laminate. It’s waterproof. Reacts well to UV light. If non-UV treated, it’s a nightmare. It becomes brittle and loses its wrapping and waterproofing strength if exposed to sunlight. This relates to grave excavation not covered in this blog. It should go without saying that fluid seepage is often the first indicator of a disposed package, which most animals find attractive.

Canvas: Not 100% waterproof. Use only in time sensitive operations.

Vinyl: This is the big gun. It’s oil, acid, grease, mildew and water resistant and have a high tear strength. The only downside? They come in two colors, yellow and brown. Go with the brown. Speaking of color, manufacturers have created a color system to indicate thickness.

Blue: 5-6 mils thick
Yellow: 7-8 mils thick
Green: 9-10 mils thick
Silver: 11-12 mils thick
Brown: 16 mils thick

SIZES
Generally speaking, tarp sizes are all over the map. Be aware that the stated tarp size is five percent smaller than advertised, thus a 20 ft. x 20 ft. tarp is actually 19 ft. x 19 ft.

WEAVE COUNT
The greater the count, the more resistant to tearing. 8 – 12 per square inch. TIP: Never cut a tarp, as it will compromise the woven strength factor.

That’s it. Pretty basic and practical.

Now that you have a guide to the best murder tarp, you’re ready to dispose of the unwanted package. However, just because you have the right materials doesn’t mean you know how to use them. For information on how to properly wrap a package and updates on sales and other package related tips, refer to our Facebook page:


Paradise Rot (The Island Trilogy book #1)
by Larry Weiner
Genre: Satire/Dark Comedy
Publisher: Booktrope
May 30, 2015
ISBN: 978-1-5137-0031-1
ASIN: B00YLDWX66
Number of pages: 211
Cover Artist: Larry Weiner
Kyle Brightman—late of the advertising industry and soon-to-be-late of the 5th floor psych ward—has a job offer he can’t refuse. A new resort in the Caribbean is looking for an art director.

Kyle soon finds himself on the Isle of St. Agrippina working alongside a beautiful copywriter with an icy handshake. Questions arise: Why does the resort management team sport spray-on tans in the Bahamas? How can the resort offer such cheap vacation packages? What does one do with vats of Astroglide?

To get the answers, Kyle must first navigate a series of wildly unpredictable events with a cast of even more wildly unpredictable characters, including a seductress jungle assassin, her partially paralyzed talking Chihuahua, an Ivy League Rastafarian seaplane captain, Kyle’s ex-psych ward roommate, a former Haliburton mercenary, and a French tavern owner with a fondness for goats, all set to the greatest hits of the 70’s. Pablo Cruise never felt so right.


About the Author:
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Larry Weiner is the author of PARADISE ROT (BOOK ONE), ONCE AGAIN, WITH BLOOD (BOOK TWO) and the forthcoming HINDU SEX ALIENS (BOOK THREE) that make up the Island Trilogy. Larry earned a degree in film from CSULA and was an award-winning art director. He lives on an island in the Pacific Northwest with his wife, two kids and a gaggle of animals. He plays bass and thus has poor hearing.




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2 ebook copies of Paradise Rot 2 paperback copies of Paradise Rot