Today we have author Justin Robinson talking about which characters he would like to be on his survival dream team. Justin even has a noir zombie novel called Dead on Arrival. Be sure to check it out and his other titles, plus stick around for the tasty giveaway at the end of this post!
The Zombie Apocalypse Meets Its Match
Zombie movies are this generation’s uplifting sports drama; no matter how stale, we just can’t get enough. Survival horror, of which the zombie film is the poster child, works because no one is safe, but if they’re really lucky, pack a gat and play ball, one or two characters will make it through. If only the Zombocalypse was like the 1992 US Men’s Olympic Basketball Team. We wouldn't have to watch annoying and useless characters stumble blindly for the movie until the inevitable bite turns them geek. Even the useful characters die, usually because they’re surrounded by idiots. Imagine if we could assemble the perfect team of survivors, a group in which not only does everyone make it out alive, the zombie apocalypse turns into so much half-rotted mulch on the highway.
The Leader – Sheriff David Dutten
The Enforcer – Selena
In a zombie movie, it’s imperative that the leader’s orders be obeyed without question. One slip-up means certain death, and any death means another one of them. You know what I’m talking about. Selena’s a person who knows the stakes and acts without hesitation or conscience to see that things get done right. What happened when that infected might have turned Mark? Selena chopped her only friend into chum without even blinking. She’s also incredibly resourceful: in gun-free England, she makes do with a machete and Molotov cocktails.
The Q – Ash
In zombie movies, you can’t just run down to the store and get whatever you want. You have to make do with what you have, which in many cases means finding exciting and terrifying new uses for common household objects. What you need is a man of singular vision. You need a man who looks at a station wagon and sees a whirling-bladed death-tank. You need a man who looks at a chainsaw and sees a workable prosthetic. You need Ash, wielder of the boomstick and the one-liner. The one problem with Ash is he needs a short leash. No letting him fraternize with the locals, no letting him put his hand into evil places and above all, if the Necronomicon should be found (it seems to follow him around like a puppy), it’s best to let someone else – anyone else – read from it.
The Wheel Man – Peter
Oftentimes, the reason that people get eaten in zombie movies is because they hole up someplace and wait for the ghouls to get in. Remember your Muhammad Ali: float like a butterfly, sting like SEAL Team 6. It’s possible Ali never said that. Anyway, the best vehicles for floating through zombie country are some form of converted big rig, RV or better yet, a helicopter. Peter has those bases covered and and he delivered one of the coolest lines in the history of zombie movies. If you have to ask what that line is, you should probably stop reading now, because this column probably reads like stereo instructions in Basque.
The Doc – Scarlet
While zombie-related injuries are untreatable, there are numerous other hazards in a post-apocalyptic world. Roving packs of bikers armed with conventional weapons are always pestering heroic survivors, to say nothing of the potential for scrapes and bruises while fleeing the undead. Medical personnel are in short supply in zombie films, but Scarlet would be an auto-include even in a packed field. Other than her medical skills, she went through Army basic training, so you have another gun on your side. Plus, if I’m including Olyphant for the ladies, it’s only fair to include Byrne for the gentlemen.
The Average Joe – Shaun Riley
Every zombie movie needs an average Joe to put things in perspective. It helps if the Joe is decent in a fight and reacts appropriately when one of his loved ones is inevitably turned. Lionel from Dead Alive almost got it due to his impressive lawnmower skills, but he spent way too much time with Mum before he got wise and made six thousand gallons of geek chowder. While Shaun doesn’t kill Ed, he does take out his mom, and besides, he’s hell with a cricket bat.
The Holy Man – Father McGruder
When Hell is full, the dead will walk the earth. You need a man to kick ass for the Lord! Father McGruder, kung fu master and Catholic priest, is the only choice. He can tend to the spiritual needs of the survivors while tending to the getting-kicked-in-the-skull needs of the undead. Sheriff Dutten will have to keep a close eye on Father Mac so that he doesn’t get carried away with all the asskicking and get turned into a snack.
The Killing Machine – Tallahassee
There’s an old saying: to a man with a hammer, everything is a nail. Only problem is when there are millions of nails and they’re all trying to eat the soft parts of your face. So you need to kick it up a notch. To a man with a Godzilla, everything is Japan. Tallahassee is this man. He’s taken ghouls out with hedge clippers, a car door, and even a banjo. He can use guns like Chow Yun-Fat, it’s just that sometimes he likes a little bit of a challenge. With Tallahassee on the loose, the zombies don’t stand a chance.
The Dog – Beast
Are dogs necessary? Unless someone on the team has super senses and can warn when the sneakier ghouls approach, you need a dog. More to the point, you need Beast, the revenge-driven German Shepherd and true hero of The Hills Have Eyes. When mutant hillbillies kill Beast’s mate, he decides to go hunting, racking up the biggest bodycount in the film. This is not a dog that barks hysterically. This is the canine equivalent of Liam Neeson, whispering cold-blooded promises in rotted ears before reminding everyone this is a human-only plague.
The Token Zombie – Fido
I’m not saying you have to have a zombie on the team. I’m just saying that if you had to have one, there’s no other choice than Fido. For one thing, he has the domestication collar, which is enough of a behavior inhibitor that you won’t wake up to him chewing your toes off. Secondly, once you teach him the meaning of love and family, he’s a loyal member of the team.
Sheriff Dutten, Selena, Ash, Peter, Scarlet, Shaun, Father McGruder, Tallahassee, Beast, and Fido. That’s the dream team of zombie slayers, and together they can make it to hell and back.
ebook is only $2.99
Today is the last day of Glen Novak’s life.
Five years after the end of the world, the few remaining humans are barricaded in a small vacation town on the California coast, beset by hordes of the undead.
A single bite turns a man into a walking corpse. There’s no cure and no hope.
Someone made sure Novak was bitten and now he has one day to put things in order, protect his people and, most importantly, exact revenge.
About the Author:
Much like film noir, Justin Robinson was born and raised in Los Angeles. He splits his time between editing comic books, writing prose and wondering what that disgusting smell is. Degrees in Anthropology and History prepared him for unemployment, but an obsession with horror fiction and a laundry list of phobias provided a more attractive option.
***GIVEAWAY***Signed print copy of Undead On Arrival, bookmarks, a couple postcards, and buttons.