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Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Girly Girl's Guide to Killing Creatures of the Night



1. Always carry tweezers. You never know when you're going to get a splinter in the middle of a staking. The bulk stores have really bad quality stakes that are notorious for splintering.

2. Pack stain remover. Even when you throw a poncho on to protect your outfit, a wayward spray of ooze might catch you unawares. 

3. Zombies can be complete perves. When killing them, keep your distance until the very last moment. No one can prepare you for what it's like to be felt up by the undead. The worst is when you pull away and their hand goes with you. Seriously, it's so gross to have to pry the fingers off. I dry heaved the whole way home that night.

4. Vampires aren't always the best housekeepers. Make sure you take an antihistamine before you venture into their lair if you are allergic to dust. And don't take your good purse. When you put it down it's going to get absolutely filthy. 

5. If you unfortunately have to come into close contact with your target, make sure you bring some fabreeze. Like I mentioned earlier, some of these creature are not very up on their hygiene. If you don't have a change of clothing handy, nothing is worse than the stench of the undead clinging to you like a cheap perfume.

6. Some of you might like to collect trophies. No judgement or anything, but I so don't get that. Whatever, if you're going to do it, have a good supply of ziplock baggies. You don't want any blood getting on your stuff and I'm certainly not holding it for you, you weirdo.

7. And whatever you do, don't get your nails done until after your kill! I can't tell you how many perfectly good manicures I've ruined.


8. Wear a vest. My girlfriend...it's hard to even talk about it, but she had a staking go real bad. We were all devastated. She lost her left boob. We were rolling up tube socks for a week until her plastic surgeon got back from his honeymoon. Luckily, his new wife had finals and had to get back to school or who knows how long the agony could have gone on for.

Happy Hunting!

About the Author:
Donna Augustine’s lifelong ambition was to become the crazy cat lady. Unfortunately, when family allergies cut short her dream of living in a house full of furries, she turned her ambitions toward writing. Combining her love of fantasy, scifi, horror and romance, she tries to string together interesting twists on urban fantasy.

A native of New Jersey, when she isn’t writing or over dosing on caffeine, she can occasionally be spotted in disguise at the local dog park.
  

12 comments:

  1. Oh that is way too funny. Perverted zombies, lopped off boobs and stinky vampires. Yep, this post had it all.

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    1. yes it did :) Donna out did herself on this one.

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  2. Loved this post. I'll make sure to take antihistamines before gooing on a kill!

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  3. That's really good. I had some dates (many years ago) that made me feel the same way only the guys were still alive.

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  4. That is hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

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  5. Loved this! Needed the laugh this morning, thanks for that.

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  6. Thank you for making me giggle, even though I am now running in circles looking for a vest - we must preserve the parts!

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  7. This is the funniest! I'm not holding it for you, you weirdo! Had me laughing!

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  8. Thanks everyone! I was getting a good giggle while Sharon and I were passing ideas back and forth. She was also the inspiration when she got a splinter from her real life stake, lol.

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  9. Hahahahahah...lost a boob. Nice. :)

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