Colombiana: MY SPOON'S TOO BIG!

Colombiana, directed by Olivier Megaton, stars Zoey Saldana, Jordi Molla, Lennie James, Cliff Curtis and Michael Vartan. With bad acting all around, a dreadful script with more holes than a colander, frivolous nonsense and jokes that just don't work, Colombiana is the biggest waste of time this summer.

Plot:

In the action film Colombiana, Zoe Saldana plays Cataleya, a young woman who has grown up to be an assassin after witnessing the murder of her parents as a child. Turning herself into a professional killer and working for her uncle, she remains focused on her ultimate goal: to hunt down and get revenge on the mobster responsible for her parents' deaths.

This movie turns into the same silly stuff we've seen before. A revenge movie so cliched it's less than thrilling. The film desperately wants audiences to feel for our female action star, but with a script so lacking in character development there is nothing that could be done to redeem this movie. I will say Zoey commits to the role the best she can, but with such a horrendous script the results are understandably underwhelming.

OMG SPOILERZ!

Colombiana is so dependent on the most contrived coincidences to make the plot work. One of the worst examples in this movie would be Zoey's character intentionally going to prison, getting thrown into a cell, and somehow knowing she was going to get a cup of coffee with a spoon in it. With said spoon she's able to trigger a Goldberg-esque series of events that let her escape prison. WITH A SPOON. Thank the undead gods she got a spoon with that cup of coffee. Andy Dufresne took thirty years with a rock hammer to get out of prison, but Zoey does it in ten minutes with a spoon. A SPOON! Even under movie logic this makes no frelling sense whatsoever.

Another dreadful scene is Zoey's guard dogs, which she's only fed raw steak by the way, but she just so happens to know which vehicle in which one of the drug lords garage he will make his escape in. Out of his entire fleet of vehicles the drug lord decides to escape in his little wannabe A-team van instead of something, you know, fast. Nope, going to take a windowless van that can conveniently hide two dogs.

Honestly, this movie relies so much on coincidence that it totally breaks the suspension of disbelief. Otherwise it's the same cliched action movie dog dren we've seen a billion times before. If you really want to watch an action flick stick with Kill Bill or Hannah. Both are far more rewarding and dare I say logical than this.

Getting one pile of sheep pellets.

Dictated by Katie, written by BAK