GtPGKogPYT4p61R1biicqBXsUzo" /> Google+ Arts & Crafts with Authors: Vampeen! with Jody Wallace (Traitor book tour) + giveaway | I Smell Sheep

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Arts & Crafts with Authors: Vampeen! with Jody Wallace (Traitor book tour) + giveaway

How To Crochet A Vampire Peen
Because I’m an incredibly tasteful and classy kind of author, my hobbies include things like collecting vintage clothing, watching SyFy TV, and crocheting. In particular, lately I’ve been crocheting peens.

Not to be confused with masculine-presenting organs made of flesh, peens are sweet, innocent, curious amigurumi who just happen to resemble masculine-presenting organs made of flesh. Peens come in many shapes and sizes, from the finger peen that now lives overseas to Mr. Hulk.

The original peen, Mr. Pinky, can be found with his friends at going on adventures and pondering the mysteries of life.

But you’re here because I’ve promised to show you how to crochet your very own peen—and today’s creation will be a Vampeen!

First you need yarn. I use the cheap stuff a lot, the worsted weight. The texture and solidity of a rough worsted weight lends itself to, ah, erect amigurumi. I’ve also used a thick cotton (see: Hulk) which does result in a larger item. I use a G crochet hook. For Vampeen, I picked an off-white to represent his undeadness and a nice coal black for his shaft.

please click to read more....

For a peen, you’ll be crocheting in a way that’s called “in the round.” It’s a more seamless fabric so Mr. Peen can be smooth and lump free. That means you may also need a stitch marker, which I forgot to photograph, to help you keep track of your rounds on the head in particular. While I can’t teach you the actual stitches, I will say that the only stitches I use for peens are single crochet, single crochet increase, and single crochet decrease. Peens are happy, simple guys. They don’t need any trebling stitches in their makeup, you know?

So. Got yarn. Now what? I start with a magic circle. I don’t really know how to explain this. You wrap the yarn around your finger twice, crochet the stiches of your first round (6!) through the ring you made, tug the ring off your finger, and then pull the ring closed. This means the first circle of your peen is going to be nice and tight. No opening can remain! We don’t want his stuffing leaking out. Because...ew.

Once you have your starter round, you double its size by increasing in all 6 stitches. You don’t join the row at the end; you place a stitch marker in the 12th sc. On the next round, though, you sc one in each, total of 12 around. That will start to give the head of your Vampeen a cupped appearance. Next row, you want 18 total, so you increase, sc, increase, sc, etc. all the way around.
See how his little head is getting all cute and pointy? More rounds alternating between increasing and the same number of stitches takes you to the end of your peen’s head. My last row here is 30 stitches long. Sometimes, if I want a long, skinny headed peen, I’ll do double up a few “no increase” rows. In fact, it seems like I doubled up on the 18 row in Vampeen.
Now, he doesn’t look like much yet. The beginning of a mushroom, maybe? That’s why you need to give your peen some shape via a decrease round. For Vampeen, I actually decided to catch the back loops only when I decreased. He wanted to be a little fancy.
Once the decrease row was complete, I had 15 scs. I did one row all the way around, giving Vampeen a bit of a neck, before deciding where to place the eyeballs.
I toyed with icy blue eyes, yellow cat eyes—but nothing beats the mysterious black of the standard 6 mm safety eye. In turns innocent and knowing, 6 mm black plastic safety eyes grace many of my peens.

Once his eyes were inserted, I thought about stuffing his tip but decided to wait. I switched to the black yarn and started crocheting around and around. And around. Vampeen got bigger and bigger and longer and longer! I didn’t mark anymore, I just increased every so often so that our little man would be larger at the base than he was at his neck. It helps with stability, you see. And other things.

Vampeen was scared I was going to stop crocheting at about 3 inches, so he gave me a talking to.
But I persevered, cat and all, until he reached a nice 6.5 to 7 inches long depending on how much I flattened him out.
Now it was time to stuff him with fiberfill, weights, whatever I thought should go inside him. You can see how I left his bottom end open.
But he’d need to be closed off if I wanted his guts to stay in place. To do that, I crocheted a circle that had a similar circumference to Vampeen’s base and sewed them together. I believe I had increased him randomly during the shaft phase so that my circle was about 24 stitches on the final round.
And of course, in order to stand sentinel against the night, Vampeen would need some stabilizers—nice, tight, round black balls nestled against his base. didn’t seem like enough. Was that Vampeen, or was it Voldemorpeen? Because he could go either way. I decided to add a little collar with distinctive tips in order to distinguish Vampeen from other peens that start with the letter V. The collar I just crocheted back and forth, increasing at both ends of each row.
Vampeen (and Sharon) have suggested he might like fangs and maybe a coffin, but I’d like turn my post in to I Smell Sheep before my deadline, so I’m going to have to let you check out my Tumblr in the future and see what adventures Vampeen goes on with the rest of his friends.

Oh, and I’m actually blogging here today to promote a science fiction romance novel called TRAITOR that I just released, and it has absolutely no vampires in it. It’s set during an alien apocalypse, and it’s not even a vampire apocalypse. I hope you’ve enjoyed meeting Vampeen, though!

Jody Wallace
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that's just the books.

Traitor (Maelstrom Chronicles #2)
by Jody Wallace
July 28, 2015
Genre: Science Fiction Romance
Publisher: Entangled
Captain Nikolas EstherVorn is a traitor. Or so it was decreed after Niko disobeyed protocol while trying to save Earth from other-dimensional creatures. Stuck in a prison cell, the last thing he needs is to be in close proximity to sexy-as-sin Dr. Sarah CallenJoseph. Not with him damn near ready break out just to get to her.

Niko's desire isn't quite his own…and Sarah can prove it. He—along with the other soldiers on the disastrous mission—were drugged with some kind of toxin. Niko has no clue how the drug got into his body or why, but Sarah suspects there’s a link between the toxin and the fertility crisis of Shipborn humans.

To investigate is forbidden. But as lust becomes something deeper, binding them together in a way neither expected, Niko and Sarah must battle time—and their superiors—to uncover the secret that could save humanity...or destroy it.

Buy links — Amazon, B&N, Kobo, iTunes

About the Author:
Jody Wallace grew up in the South in a very rural area. She went to school a long time and ended up with a Master's Degree in Creative Writing. Her resume includes college English instructor, technical documents editor, market analyst, web designer, and general all around pain in the butt. She currently lives in Tennessee with her family: one husband, two kids, two cats. One of her many alter egos is “The Grammar Wench,” which should give you an indication of her character. She is a terrible packrat and likes to amass vintage clothing, books, Asian-inspired kitchenware, gnomes, yarn, and other items that threaten to force her family out of the house. She also likes cats. A lot.

Jody publishes the Maelstrom Chronicles with Entangled Publishing, an Earth-based science fiction romance series. You can find other science fiction, paranormal, and contemporary romances by Jody, including her horrible science fiction romance spoofs, The Adventures of Mari Shu, which make fun of the Maelstrom Chronicles, among other science fiction concepts and stories.

Tour Giveaway 
A pair of handmade crocheted UFO earrings US Only 
$35 gift card to Amazon open internationally

a Rafflecopter giveaway


  1. i'm only a beginner in crochet but i wouldn't thought of making something like that ^^

  2. I love the peens. LOL I had to pin this post for later. :-)

    sherry @ fundinmental

  3. I love the peens!!! Hahahaha, amazing!

  4. Lol, only on this blog! Thanks for the guestpost, I don't do crafts at all, but I did enjoy this post. I love the collar! And yes, fangs should be added :)

    1. I'll take that as a compliment . It does need fangs...but where?! ;)

    2. That is an interesting question, hmmm.... And yes, your blog often cheers me up :) too many long days at the office makes me avoid my computer at home, and blogging, and I miss it.

  5. I'm trying to figure out where I put it after making it. LOL I can imagine the question - What is that? LOL

  6. This is too funny :). I used to crochet all the time but my thumbs won't allow it any more.

  7. Vampeen is the cutest vampire penis I've ever seen...and also the ONLY vampire penis I've ever seen :)

    Thanks for the chance to win!!!

  8. This hasa to be one of the most humorous blogs that I have read, and I love it. So creative. Thank you for the demo and the chance at winning.

  9. Just dropping by to say thanks to Sharon and everyone here for humoring my sucky little peen :).

  10. This was really fun to read, pretty creative and funny. I love this blig, it's so different

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