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Saturday, November 14, 2015

Seven Tips for the Care and Feeding of Death Replacement Agents Kory Shrum

Seven Tips for the Care and Feeding of Death Replacement Agents

Here with us today, we have the lovely Alice “Ally” Gallagher. Ally has worked as the personal assistant to death replacement agent Jesse Sullivan for three years and has seven tips on how to do the job right.

1. Know a good mortician.
Dying is really traumatic to the body. Sometimes when Jesse is lying on the pavement with this or that organ hanging out of her abdominal cavity, I’m certain she will never be the same again. Thankfully, having an excellent mortician is the difference between scars and a flawless recovery. It is true that doctors do their best to place the organs back where they belong and make sure the oil is at full, but after that, it’s the morticians that really know what to do with a stiff body. So having a good working relationship with a mortician will ensure that your death replacement agent has a great recovery.

2. Know a massage therapist who’s good with stiffs.
Once your death replacement agent resurrects, they will be a little “needy”. I find that Jesse is more manageable if I can less her physical discomfort as much as possible. I find that an excellent massage following a death replacement does wonders for rigor mortis stiffness and lessens Jesse’s reliance on pain pills. Ideally, you would want a massage therapist who was comfortable massaging a cold corpse. However, if you find that your therapists are uncomfortable with this arrangement, scheduling a massage for as soon as your agent wakes up is the second best option.

3. Hot baths are a must.
I really cannot stress physical comfort enough. In addition to massage, I’ve found that a good soak in the hot tub or bath works wonders for rigor mortis. Again, it would be great if you could put your death replacement agent’s dead body in a hot tub before they resurrect in order to mitigate the damage, but unless you have a hot tub at home, this is probably not an option. We have found through personal experiences that many health clubs, hospitals, and clinics frown upon putting corpses into tubs used by the living.

4. Always have enough food to feed the living dead.
As your death replacement agent is healing, they will be absolutely ravenous. I’ve seen Jesse put away whole extra large pizzas, two foot long sandwiches, or a whole gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Everything But when she first wakes up. Since your recently resurrected agent won’t have great fine motor skills at first, it will be your responsibility to feed them. Make sure you have take out menus on hand and the speed dial programmed. I would also suggest going out to eat, but sometimes depending upon the conditions of the death, your agent might not be ready for public interaction right away. Many people find their appearance startling at first, so it is best to stay out of sight until all wounds have healed and color has returned to their face.

5. A clean death bed is a happy death bed.
Bringing your dead agent home and placing him or her into bed is instinctual. However, the body tends to *leak* a little during and after death, so you might want to make sure you have several sets of fresh sheets on hand at any time. No one wants to lie around in their own ooze and your cranky and stiff agent won’t want to either.

6. Have the right shoes for any death.
This is true for both you (the assistant/loved one) and the agent. A death replacement is a strenuous and unpredictable occupation. Gunshots? Fire? Car Crash? You never know what kind of situation you will find you and your agent in. Therefore, it is important to wear comfortable and practical shoes at all times. Also, if your death replacement agent is anything like mine, s(he) will likely lose a shoe during a replacement. Make sure they have several pairs of comfortable, yet affordable shoes in their wardrobe. Replace missing shoes as soon as possible.

7. Never lose your head.
The most valuable advice I can give anyone looking to assist a death replacement agent in their work is this: stay cool. Death replacing is unpredictable, stressful, and sometimes violent. Your clear action and support is needed more than you think. So do what you must to keep a clear head in any situation and formulate as many contingent plans as possible. Expect the unexpected. If you can do this, you’ll form an unbreakable bond with a rare and special individual.



by Kory M. Shrum
296 pages
November 2, 2015
In the wake of her handler's death, Jesse has never felt more alone. Her best friend is distracted by a new love. Her mentor Rachel is missing and her boyfriend Lane isn't returning her calls.

Worse, a Necronite with the ability to heal any wound wants to kill Jesse and absorb her power of pyrokinesis.

With little to hold her to Nashville, Jesse agrees to work as a freelance agent for Jeremiah Tate, a pharmaceutical tycoon in Chicago. Together they plot revenge against Caldwell, the mastermind responsible for the genocide of over 100,000 Necronites worldwide.

When Jeremiah fails to dominate Jesse and her abilities, tensions escalate, dividing her from her allies. Then Caldwell gives Jesse an ultimatum she cannot refuse.

About the Author:
Kory M. Shrum lives in Michigan with her partner and a ferocious guard pug. When not writing, she can be found teaching, traveling, and wearing a gi. Her poetry has appeared in North American Review, Bateau and elsewhere. Her first urban fantasy novel Dying for a Living will be available March 4, 2014.






20 comments:

  1. I relax with a moscato and an audiobook. In cookies, I like just about anything, but especially white chocolate and hazzlenuts.

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  2. Pecans, chocolate, caramel, what isn't good as a cookie? Sitting in front of a fire reading.

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  3. In bed, cuddling my cat and dog,and reading on my Kindle. For cookies, as long as they have chocolate I'm set <3

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  4. Filling up the Jacuzzi tub and soaking with a glass of wine and my Husband :) my favorite cookies are peanut butter blossoms or Butterscotch Oatmeal

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  5. My favorite way to relax is with a book and a cup of coffee.

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  6. My favorite way to relax is my recliner with a book and something to drink. Chocolate chip or double chocolate chip cookies.

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  7. Physically stiff, a slow paced walk, otherwise a brainless tv show or movie or a good book. Cookies, oatmeal raisin.

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  8. I read a book or watch a movie to relax.

    Betul E.

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  9. Thank ewe, Sharon! Fun as always. :D

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  10. I love to relax with a cup of coffee and a good book

    tiramisu392 (at) yahoo.com

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  11. Wine and a fire in the fireplace is the way to my heart when I'm stressed. Chocolate is always good too.

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  12. My favorite way to relax is lounging by the fireplace with a good book, a glass of wine, and some chocolate.

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  13. Give me a comfy sofa, some Doritos and Hershey's chocolate, and a fun book, and I'm the ultimate "Happy Camper!"
    This post was a blast to read. I was laughing out loud.

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  14. Relaxing with Epsom salts is a must!

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  15. I would love some chocolate chip cookies.

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  16. I relax by reading; I would love to have chocolate chip cookies!

    Thanks for the chance to win :)

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