GtPGKogPYT4p61R1biicqBXsUzo" /> Google+ Character Post: If I Ruled the World by Hermes (Lucienne Diver) | I Smell Sheep

Friday, September 26, 2014

Character Post: If I Ruled the World by Hermes (Lucienne Diver)

I Smell Sheep kindly invited me back even after the last time when my heroine Tori Karacis took me to task over all the horrible things I do to her in the Latter-Day Olympians series. This time, though I tried and tried to form a rebuttal, well…I just couldn’t. Anyway, Hermes was not letting either of us have any more screen time. Not if he could help it. And, uh, he might have gotten the wrong impression about the interview. So without further ado, I present to you Hermes (modern day aliases: humor columnist Thom Foolery, messenger service mogul Hector Molyvos, gods know what else):

If I Ruled the World by Hermes

I thought this was an interview for Playboy. No? What do you mean “I Smell Sheep”? Is that a crack about me stealing Apollo’s flock? Listen, that was ages ago. I was a kid for gods’ sake. And anyway, they were cattle…though they certainly did smell!

Anyway, I suppose I can give up a few minutes of my time to talk about the way things would be if I ruled the world. It’s not as if I haven’t spent enough time fantasizing along those lines!

First of all, you know all those ancient Greek statues where everyone’s hanging around naked with maybe just a pair of sandals or some draping that misses all the naughty bits?

I give you Exhibits A and B:

Have you ever noticed how Athena’s the only one all suited up? The ultimate party pooper, always girded up for war. Well, I say no more! Nope, nudity is the new black. It worked for us during the Olympic Games. It worked for the bull-jumpers at Knossos. Honestly, I don’t see why we ever gave it up! Oh, right, hole in the ozone layer, skin cancer, all that jazz. Well, I have a cream for that. No, really. Wonderful stuff. Herbal. No FDA approval necessary. (And don’t you believe that P.I. Tori Karacis about addictive properties.) Still skeptical? You can try it right now for free! Return it if you’re not fully satisfied.

Off topic here on the topic of satisfaction—WTF ancient sculptors. You chisel us naked and skimp on our manhood? You give the satyrs shlongs all day long and the rest of us you make limp biscuits? Remind me again why we let you live. Well, anyway, you’re dead now, so I suppose that’s some justice.

Moving on… Next we bring back the libations! Ah, the good old days of worshippers bringing us the best of everything—food, oils, drink… Ah, drink. Now they call it tithing. Back then we cut out the middlemen, the moneymen. When I rule the world, I’ll once again generously accept your…donations…in the form of the best of the best of the best. Gourmet chefs, boulangers, a wine cellar that would make Dionysus moan. And supermodels to serve me. No Vestal Virgins in my high temple, thank you very much. Give me the bad girls. The naughty and kinky, yearning to breathe free. There’s no judgment here. I leave that for others. (Yeah, that’s right, Athena, I’m looking at you…without even your helmet and peplos. How about them apples? The answer: not bad from where I’m sitting!)

Then we do away with all the buzzkills. Infomercials #1. Death to infomercials. Death to talking head political pundit programs. There’s only going to be one party in the future, and what a party it will be! We’ll keep the Daily Show, though, of course. And I’ll appoint Stephen Colbert as my own personal press secretary, but that’s where I’ll draw the line. Although…now that I think about it, press conferences might be kind of fun. I won’t have to picture anyone in their underwear. They won’t be wearing any!

Hey, all, it’s been real, but Lucienne is jumping up and down (which would be so much better without clothes on, I think you’ll agree) trying to get my attention (mission accomplished) to remind me that I’m supposed to be sending you all forth to read about my further adventures. There’s a bottle or two of the good stuff calling my name, so I’ll be brief. Read these or when I rule the world you will be conscripted into an endless game of Naked Twister. Or maybe Pictionary. Depends on my mood.

Battle for the Blood.
Latter-Day Olympians, Book 4
Kindle Edition, 319 pages
September 16th 2014
by Samhain Publishing, Ltd.
Dragons, demons, gods, gorgons. Who will save the world…and who could destroy it?
Tori wakes after Rise of the Blood to two very shocking realizations: one, she’s in bed with a very naked Apollo, having lost the fight to resist their attraction. Two, she still has her wings. Not dinky little fairy wings. Full-scale, cover-’em-with-a-trench-coat bat wings.

Apollo suggests consulting the Gray Sisters on the wings. Those cannibalistic, psychopathic oracles who, even with only one tooth and one eye among them, manage to see too much. As in a Rapture, zombie-apocalypse, biblical-plague, hellgates-busted-open the end of the world.

While the Sisters are perfectly on board with death and destruction, the thinning of the human herd doesn’t sit well with them at all. They’ll help her. All she has to do is save the world.

Tori and her team trace the origin of the plagues to New York City, which is under quarantine and martial law—as if that’s enough to stop the influx of gods and gorgons, dragons and demons. But as death threatens from without, betrayal lurks within Tori’s ranks. And nobody is safe. Nobody.

Warning: Betrayal and bad-assery, sensuality and a sizzling hot sun god. Death, demons, destruction and, potentially, the end of the world as we know it…zombie style.

Latter-Day Olympians titles:
“The Parlor” – story in the KICKING IT anthology

About the Author:
Lucienne Diver writes the Latter-Day Olympians urban fantasy series for Samhain, featuring a heroine who can, quite literally, stop men in their tracks. Long and Short Reviews gave the first in the series her favorite pull-quote of all times, "Bad Blood is a delightful urban fantasy, a clever mix of Janet Evanovich and Rick Riordan.” Sequels: Crazy in the Blood, Rise of the Blood and Battle for the Blood(forthcoming in digital September 16th). She also writes the popular Vamped young adult series (think Clueless meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Her short stories have been featured in the Strip-Mauled and Fangs for the Mammaries anthologies edited by Esther Friesner and, of course, the Kicking It anthology from Roc Books, edited by Faith Hunter and Kalayna Price. Her essay “Abuse” is included in theDear Bully: 70 Authors Tell Their Stories anthology from HarperTeen.

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